Becoming Kelso
by Eyesuhkattspeleeng
Summary: After forced from her home after tragedy, Kelsey Kiesling must learn to live a different life at Hogwarts, where she meets Severus Snape, some one who can take charge for her. Can he help her get on with her life or will he just make things worse?
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: This is just a work of fanfiction. All rights, characters and themes belong to J.K. Rowling. I own Kelso but that's about it._

**I think that I should state here and now that this does contain and American OC. Now before you go, "Oh gross, that's so fucking sick," I want to explain why I decided to do this sort of thing when I know that it's sort of...looked down upon. I wanted to do some sort of character study about an American who transfers to Hogwarts but I wanted to try and do it better than a lot of the examples you find in fandom. I hope I can prove that an American OC can be done right and if not...well... that's alright. At least I tried. I'm aware of the fact that some readers might find my character to be a Mary Sue. I know a lot of you are going to automatically pin that on her and I'm fully aware of that risk. I've tried my hardest to steer her from that path and I can say that I could probably do a lot worse. The thing is, I like this story which is why I finally decided to post it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not, but I figured, what the hell. I think I've done a good job so far. Anyway, I'll get on with it and let you read. I'll be posting the first few chapters within a few moments after posting this one. - Eyesuhkattspeleeng**

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**_Light a candle for the dead  
The wick is burning returning what we have  
It's who we are  
We'll reach you if you're beyond the furthest star-_

_**Beyond the Grey Sky-311**_

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**Prologue**

I hear footsteps coming down the hall way. I snuggle in deeper underneath my quilt that my grandmother made for me right before she died. I know it's my mother, and I know she's coming to see if I'm ready yet. I'm not ready. I won't ever be ready. I bury my head underneath my pillows as the door opens. I hear the light switch being flipped on.

"Why aren't you ready?" My mother's voice demands. "The funeral starts in ten minutes. The limo has been waiting downstairs for nearly five minutes!"

I groan pitifully.

"I don't feel good," I moan and peek out at my mother. She's wearing a dark wool business suit that I've never seen before. Her make up is plastered on heavily, her eyeliner smudged, her mascara clumpy, her eye shadow a shade too dark, she's wearing too much blusher and her lipstick is smudged on to her chin. She's a mess.

"We don't have time for this!" She stomps her foot, frustrated, and I don't point out that her pantyhose are bunched around her ankles and that she's wearing two completely different shoes. She probably wouldn't care. "Listen, I know you don't want to do this and neither do I, but once we get it out of the way, we'll feel better."

"Fat chance," I mutter and close my eyes. I am not moved by her little speech. It flows from her mouth so easily, but I know she's lying. I will never feel better. The funeral will just confirm what we already know. I don't want to have to sit through that torture and I won't. If I have to lie in bed for the rest of my life I will.

"Kelsey, please," Mom begs. I say nothing. I hear her sigh after a few moments and then the light clicks off, the door slams shut and she's gone. I'm relieved so, I hop out of bed, still dressed in my flannel pajamas, and watch out the window as a procession of people filed out of the apartment building and into their cars. It's funny watching all the people who are dressed in dark colors as it is a very sunny warm day and they will probably begging for mercy as the church the funeral is being held at is notorious for not using air conditioning. I'm glad that I don't have to leave the comfort of my nice cool bedroom but I'm feeling guilty because my mom has to go alone. She glances up at my window, looking completely lost. I'm sure she can't see me, but I move away from the window anyway and climb back underneath the blankets. My cat, Betty, pushes her way into my bedroom. Betty is good at getting into tightly sealed places and this time I'm not mad. She climbs on the bed and sniffs my face. Her nose is wet and cold and I can hear her breathing as she sniffs my ears. It tickles a bit, so I snort and push her away from my face. The calico is purring loudly as she turns circles, kneading a spot between my legs with her paws before she finally settles down and rests her head on her paws. I look at her, and she blinks slowly at me and I scratch her head a bit.

"He's dead, Betty. Dad is dead. He's never coming back," I say to her, confirming the awful truth. The words ring through out the room, lingering awkwardly. I still cannot cry. I close my eyes and picture his face. I want to picture him as he was, smiling, cheerful with gorgeous blue eyes and beautiful sandy hair but all I can see is him struggling to breathe, his eyes closed painfully and his hands covered in blood as he tried to shield the messy wound in his chest from my eyes. I open my eyes and try to shake the image from my head, but it won't leave. I reach over and open the door in my nightstand and pull out a bottle of whiskey that one of the mourner's had brought a few days prior. I unscrew the cap and take a deep swig. It burns going down my throat but I sit perfectly still for a few seconds and soon a numbness begins to spread, starting in my knees, slowly working it's way up finally settling in my fingers. I take another swig and then screw the cap back on and replace it back in the drawer. Pretty soon, sleep threatens to wash over me, so I embrace the tide and when I wake up again, its dark outside.

I hear voices coming from my parent's bedroom so I get up, slowly. I ache and I'm not sure if it's because of the whiskey or if it's because of the fact that I'd slept twelve hours straight. At first I think that it's my mom and dad talking, but then I remember that my dad is dead. It's his sister, my aunt, Roseanne and my mother. The walls in this apartment are paper thin and their bedroom is right next to mine. All I have to do is press my ear to the wall and I can hear them perfectly.

"David was a wonderful man, Lisa. But the fact is, he's gone and you need some one who can take care of you," Rosanne says. She's been trying to get us to go back to Ireland with her since she arrived. Mom is against it and me, I don't really care. New York City is just this big horrible place to me now, and I'm not sure if I would miss it much. I'm not even sure if I'd miss Tasha, my best friend or Robert my boyfriend. They remind me too much of life before Dad was murdered, a life that I will never be able to live again.

"I'd rather do this myself. I've got Kelso and that's all I really need. I'm fine, Rosie, I promise." I'm not sure she is though. Mom has never had to work a day in her life. She never even graduated High School. She got pregnant with me before she could and always meant to go back but never did. Dad always supported us and we never really struggled. Mom was content with being a house wife; she said she never really liked school much anyway. But now, it's different. Aunt Rosie has been here for the past several days, taking care of us but she has to go home eventually. I want to be strong, but I have my doubts.

"I promise, Rosie," Mom says again.

Aunt Rosie leaves the next day and Mom never gets out of bed. Neither do I. It's like this for two weeks. Mom doesn't cook. We order take out and then go back to bed. The dishes go unwashed in the sink. We get a notice on the front door that tells us if we don't pay our electric bill, they'll cut it off. But we don't care. They cut it off and the whole apartment is stifling hot and there is trash everywhere. The dishes in the sink begin to reek, but we don't care. Betty's litter box becomes full and I don't touch it. Betty begins to use the living room carpet for a litter box instead, but we don't care. She gets into the trash can and drags out old food and scatters even more trash every where and we don't care. It goes on like this for another few days until the Landlord, Mr. Difilgia, barges in one day and throws a fit.

"You haven't paid the rent Missus," he says. "People are complaining about the smell. Now I'm sorry for your loss, but this can't go on like this no longer, Missus. We just put this carpet in, brand new, last year, if you'll remember Missus." Mom looks at him and says nothing. Betty hops on the couch and cleans her self as if to show Mr. Difilgia that she's not usually so messy, but that she doesn't really have a choice but to be that way. "You can promise me you'll have the rent next week, Missus, but I know better. I know you won't. I'm sorry, Missus, but I have to put you out. You've got two weeks and then you're out on your asses."

We're about to be out on our asses, and we don't care. Mr. Difilgia leaves, shaking his head and muttering and we don't care. We go back to bed. Aunt Rosie calls us later on that night and Mom tells her we're out on our asses and the next thing we know, we're on a plane to Ireland. We don't care. We don't care. We just don't care anymore.

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**Do me a favor and let me know what you think. All feedback is considered positive feedback so don't be afraid to tell me what you think. **


	2. Chapter 2

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_Life is cold when you're wounded  
Nothing stings so deep  
I'm in love with this weakness  
It's becoming me  
I'm not here  
In this moment  
Will this last forever?  
Oh my sweet Lies,  
Destruction  
Be the death of me  
There are things  
Left unspoken  
Built on broken dreams  
I would end my life for this  
Would you die for me?_-

_**Sweet Destruction (interlude)-Kittie**_

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**Chapter 2**

Aunt Rosie has a small farm out in the country, somewhere near Belfast, I'm not entirely sure. We've gotten a taxi to take us there, and as far as I can see, there's nothing but green. It's really pretty, and I'm trying to listen as Rosie explains the history. All I can think about is how far apart everything seems which suits me just fine. Far away from the city, far away from muggers like the one who shot and killed my father.

We pull in front of Aunt Rosie's house, which looks kind of shabby, but it looks nice and roomy. I see a few chickens in the front yard and a cow in the back, grazing the meadow of green grass that my aunt has for a back yard. In the distance I can see a small barn. We step out of the taxi and the first thing I do is let Betty out the carrier she's been trapped in for several hours. Betty will be extremely happy here, I can tell already. Living in the city didn't suit her very well as she had to be indoors most of the time, but now she roams around cautiously, her ears perked and alert as she spots a chicken.

"She'll make a good mouser," Aunt Rosie comments as she takes my bag. I continue to watch Betty as she slowly approaches a chicken, in predator mode, her whole body tucked low, positioning herself to attack. The chicken gets spooked and takes off, and Betty chases after it, her tail puffed up. I can't help it, I have to laugh. I look at Mom, who seems to be in a daze. She's looking around as though she's lost. I feel bad for a moment but the moment I step into my aunt's house that all changes.

Aunt Rosie is a witch. As soon as we're in the house, she's got her wand out and is waving it around and things are coming to life. A couch is being moved to make way for our things; a broom is busy in the kitchen sweeping things up. My father was non magical as is my mother but I some how came out a witch too. My dad was proud of me and my mother a bit freaked out, but she learned to live with it. I went to a regular public school in New York during the regular school year but went to a magical school that was hidden in the City at night and during the summer. That was where I met Tasha and when people would ask us why we were going to school during the summer, we'd always tell them we were Jewish and were going to Hebrew school. This always sent us into fits of laughter, especially since Tasha is black and is certainly not Jewish. Thinking about Tasha makes me miss her. I wish I'd said a better good-bye to her, but then again we aren't planning on staying in Ireland for very long, just until the summer was up. I hadn't even told Robert I was leaving. I decide I should write him later on. But for now, I just want to make myself at home, so I make my way upstairs and find a guestroom. The room is perfect for me. Aunt Rosie seems to have the same idea as my bags are already in here. There's a large picture window on the very far wall and when I look out, all I can see is miles and miles of green. I see the cow, and it's still grazing, and the whole scene makes me feel very peaceful. I lie back on the bed and close my eyes. To my relief, my father doesn't appear, but the scene that I just took in is still imprinted there. Coming here was a good thing after all.

--

For the next several weeks, I help Aunt Rosie around the household and around the farm. She teaches me how to milk the cow, how to pluck the tomatoes when they're just right, how to cook and for the first time in a very long time, I feel like my life is mine. I dread going back home. Mom is a different story. She hardly gets out of bed and when she does, she complains about having a headache. We let her be, but I can see the worry in Aunt Rosie's face. The line in her forehead grows deeper and deeper when ever Mom is mentioned or seen. I know what she's thinking, but I don't want to think about it.

One night, after supper, Aunt Rosie calls me into the den. She has a fire going and is drinking a cup of coffee. I'm in my pajamas as is Rosie, but the conversation is serious.

"I wanted to talk to you about your mom," she says. "She's not well. With your father being gone, she doesn't know what to do with her self, and I know you must miss your home and your friends, but I'm not sure you guys should leave now." I stare at the wall behind her, not really looking at her. I notice there are pictures of Dad, Mom and me hanging around everywhere. Aunt Rosie never got married or had children of her own. "What do you think, Kelso?"

I look at her in the eye. I don't mind staying here, but I wonder what I'm supposed to do about school, though I don't want to go back. "I don't care," I say finally. Rosie nods her head and takes a sip of her coffee.

"Alright. How old are you Kelso?"

"I'm seventeen, eighteen in May."

"What would you think about going to an all magical school?"

I stare at her. The idea of school scares me, but I know it's inevitable. Rosie is also aware, apparently, that I attended regular public school. The idea of an all magical school interests me but yet scares me all at the same time.

"I don't know," I say, after a few moments of thought. "Dad didn't want me to miss out on a regular academic education like Mom did."

"Well, you're old enough now; you've really learned everything you're going to learn at regular school. I don't think it would hurt for you to be around witches and wizards your own age, Kelso."

"You're talking about that school you went to, right?"

"Hogwarts, yes. I've already spoken with the Headmaster and he says he's ready to admit you if you really want to go there."

"I'd have to stay year round," I say dully, remembering what my father told me about the school my Aunt chose to attend. When she found out she was a witch, she explored her options and begged her parents to let her go to Europe, and they buckled. Aunt Rosie apparently liked it so much she never came home to stay again.

"Not year round. You'd be able to come home for Christmas and the summer holidays. We've still got a few weeks before then, so why don't you think about it for a bit, alright? I don't want to pressure you into doing something you really don't want to do."

I'm thankful for this. I get up, say good night and go off to bed, wondering if it would be such a bad idea.

At night, no one knows me. When the world is quiet outside and dark, I rummage around in my wardrobe where I have three bottles of liquor hidden in a secret compartment that I fashion out of a piece of wood and a few hinges made from a few rubber bands on the top shelf. One bottle is vodka, which I swiped from the kitchen cabinets before I left New York, another is a bottle of tequila that I paid a homeless man to buy for me and the other is the huge bottle of whiskey that I had hidden in my nightstand drawer back in New York.

Before everything happened, I was a good girl. I never smoked, I never did drugs and I never drank. Now I can't stop my self as I take a sip after sip of vodka. It helps me forget sometimes, but now it makes me remember everything. It's not so bad, remembering, when I'm like this.

I remember my dad was wearing a pair of dorky plaid golfing slacks that night. We laughed and laughed and laughed at them because people often mistook him for a doctor that was just browsing after a round of golf rather than the carpenter that he really was. It was funny to watch people dressed in business suits nod their head at him respectfully and say, "Afternoon Doctor." But the laughter dies down, and our conversation grows serious. It's because he caught me making out with Robert and the conversation we're having is the last conversation I wanted to have. If only I could take it all back.

"_Kelso," he said; his expression solemn and grave. "You're my little girl and you're growing up too fast." He looked at what I was wearing; a pair of cut offs and a halter top. He looked sad, as though he were accepting the inevitable. "And that boyfriend of yours, he's no good." _

"_Ah, Dad," I said to him, smiling as I watched a couple holding hands brush past us. It was twilight and during the day this particular street was crowded, but as the sun started to go down, the crowd started thinning out. Dad and I liked to take walks and watch the tourist and make up stories about them. "You've known Robert almost as long as you've known me, Dad." _

"_I know he's no good for my little girl. Anyone who makes my little girl grow up is no good." I punched him playfully on the shoulder and he smiled at me sadly. "It seems only like yesterday you were begging me to take you to go get a Barbie." _

"_Oh, Dad, stop it. You're going to make me sad!" _

"_Good!" My dad said, waggling his eyebrows playfully. "Maybe you won't be in such a rush to grow up if you think about your old man getting old." _

_I spotted a hotdog stand and begged my father to get us one despite the fact that we'd both just had dinner. That was our thing when I was little. After supper was finished, Dad would take me for a walk and if there was a hotdog vendor, he'd buy me a hotdog while I traveled down to the store a few blocks down and bought us a couple of cans of pop. My dad put up a fight at first, insisting that the hot dogs gave him heartburn but I knew better. He smiled and handed me some change and I flounced down a few blocks and bought a couple of cans of soda. I paid for them and headed back towards my dad. He was carrying two hotdogs when I spotted him on my side of the street. I grinned at him and he winked at me but then looked away, pretending he didn't know me. Just as we were about to meet how ever, he was pulled into a dark alley way by a pair of strange hands. The hotdogs dropped pitifully to the ground. I frowned, and ran to see what was going on. _

"_Give me your wallet, man, and I won't hurt you," I heard a gruff voice say. My heart began to pound in my chest and I stood back first against a brick wall and continued to listen. _

"_I don't have my wallet on me, I swear." My dad's voice was calm, but I was nervous. He'd been mugged before, but I'd never actually witnessed it happening before and I didn't ever want to again. It was scary seeing my dad so helpless, but yet I admired him for remaining so calm. I tried to sneak a look but all I could see were two dark figures, my dad's being the one that had its hands up in the air. "I've got some change, if that will help…" The figure that was my dad began moving his hands slowly down into his pockets and pulled out a handful of coins. I thought he was going to hand it over but then suddenly, my dad's fist connected with the other man's head and I heard a sharp crack. The mugger swore and hit my father back. I began to cry and looked away as my dad crumpled to the ground. And then I heard it. It was a loud popping noise. It could have been a firecracker, but then it happened two more times and the dark shadow fled. My dad had been shot. I rushed into the alley way and went to help my dad. He was making a strange gurgling noise, and I bent down to help him. His hands were covering his chest and when I tried to pry them away, he wouldn't budge. I looked down at my own hands and realized they were covered in something dark and sticky; blood._

"_Daddy," I whimpered. "Daddy…Daddy…Daddy…" _

A single tear rolls down my cheek. Tomorrow I will tell my aunt that I will go to that school. But for now, I just want to sleep.

--

Aunt Rosie and I take a train to Hogwarts. We ask if Mom if she wants to go with us, but she tells us to go ahead with out her. I worry about her and I know Rosie does too, but there isn't much we can do except to tell her we'll be back tomorrow and leave anyway.

The only thing I can say about Hogwarts is that it's big. I've never seen anything like it, the closet thing in the States in the National Cathedral in D.C. and I've only seen pictures of that. I'm sure the National Cathedral isn't nearly as expansive as Hogwarts is on the inside. Only in Europe can you find a place like Hogwarts. It all seems so old fashioned but yet I feel strangely at home. Back in New York, the Magical Academy was very much like going to a class at the Y or taking a course in community college. There were mixed ages and I'm sure there are more students that will be attending Hogwarts then the school in New York.

In America, recognizing another witch or wizard on the street is sort of difficult because the magical people in the States like to blend in with the non magical people rather than separating themselves completely from them. I don't think I've ever randomly ran into another witch or wizard in the street before. I only have one close friend who is magical, and that's Tasha. I meet other witches and wizards but none of them live close to me and there were only a few in my age group. There is a prestigious Witches academy somewhere up north, in Salem, I think, but it's a boarding school and it's easier just to take the night classes in the city and during the summer when I can take the subway home every night. Plus, the academy in Salem is very expensive and I don't come from a higher class family. Aunt Rosie is thrilled about the idea of me going to Hogwarts, but I'm still unsure of it because I don't want to face the world and I worry about my mother. What will she do when I'm not there? The thought of all the other students worry me as well. I'm not sure if they will take kindly to me being as I'm not from around here. Aunt Rose says I should be excited that I'm going to finish out my school career at Hogwarts because according to her, it's the best magical school in the world. It certainly is impressive, I'll give her that much.

I can hardly pay attention to which direction we're heading because of all the life around us. There isn't a single soul traveling the hallways with us; our footsteps echoing off the high walls are solitary. But the air is almost electrical with energy, magical and excitement alike. It nearly sends shivers down my spine.

There are several portraits lining the walls. It's almost like walking through an Art History museum, but the portraits are alive. Aunt Rosie keeps pictures of us around and they all move and stuff but they don't talk like the portraits do. Several of them shout down greetings at us and I feel obligated to wave back. My aunt even stops and says hello to a couple of them who call her by name. It's not surprising that my aunt would make friends with a painting. She loves nature and history, hence the reason she has a farm in a historically rich location.

Finally we reach two gargoyle statues who ask for a password. My aunt says something but I don't really hear it. We climb up a flight of steps and reach a large door and she knocks. I suddenly feel a shock of dread bolt through my body. Even though I know I'll be accepted here, I still have my doubts. Perhaps upon meeting me, the Headmaster will decide that I'm not competent enough to attend such a prestigious school.

I am surprised when a man with long grey hair and a matching beard answers the door. He's wearing long silky cobalt robes with glittering specks of orange. His long pointy hat is of the same pattern and it's worn at a careless angle. At first it doesn't occur to me that he's the Headmaster. I think perhaps he's an assistant of some sort until my aunt addresses him.

"Hello, Headmaster," she says as we step inside of the expansive office. I don't know exactly what I was expecting but it certainly isn't this. His office is rather circular and has shelves upon shelves of books and all sorts of knickknacks. The general aura of the room makes me feel at home. Even some of the portraits that glower down at me have their charm. "It was so lovely for you to see us on such sort notice. I hope I haven't interrupted anything important."

"Not at all, Roseanne. I find it to be a wonderful break in routine. Life becomes so unbearably predictable sometimes, I'm afraid. I find change to be some what refreshing," the Headmaster says. He's very polite but not in a fake, obligatory sort of way. He seems genuinely pleased to have us there. There is something odd about him however. He seems to be very well learned but doesn't seem to be hassled by it. It's a rare quality to find some one who's wise but yet humble. I find that I like this man. I don't find him to be intimidating at all, like I'd originally expected.

"It's always rough when a family member dies," Rosie says offhandedly. The Headmaster draws up two chairs and we sit down as he sits behind his large desk. "I'm finding that Kelsey's wellbeing is left in my hands as her mother seems to be incapable."

I'm sure that even though the Headmaster is very polite that he doesn't want to hear about our family problems. I'm growing extremely nervous. I don't like Rosie sharing everything with a stranger. To my surprise, the man bows his head respectfully and says, "I'm aware of your current situation. I'd be delighted to do my part in making sure that Kelsey is made to feel right at home. I find, however, that it is essential to place her first."

I'm confused by his words. What does he mean place me? Am I going to have to take a dreadfully long test to see how well I fare magically next to all the other students? I certainly hope not. I'm doomed if that's the case.

The Headmaster is examining me over his half moon glasses. I then notice his nose. It is slightly crooked but not in a terribly unattractive way. It looks as though it has been broken. What strikes me the most about his appearance is his crystal blue eyes. They twinkle in an unsettling way that makes me think that he's reading my mind. It's as though he knows that I'm feeling scared and is trying to calm me down. It's not working how ever. I feel as though my throat is closing up and suddenly I ache for the bottles that I have hidden in my wardrobe. Just one drink, to soothe me. Just one.

"Of course," Aunt Rosie nods. I'm too frantic to notice what's going on but the next thing I know the Headmaster is sliding a torn hat across the desk towards me. I stare at it for a second, wondering what I should do with the ratty thing. Surely he doesn't want me to put it on. I look at Rosie who's inclining her head. I'm now sure that they're expecting me to put it on my head. I pick it up cautiously as it looks extremely fragile. I think it might fall to shreds if I handle it too roughly. I place it on my head and am startled by a wispy voice in my ear. I look around anxiously, wondering if any one else can hear it. Apparently they can, because they both look expectant.

"Let's see," the voice says. "You're a difficult one…I know from difficult, so not to worry…not to worry at all…You have loyalty, that much is clear…but you have no qualms with dropping a companion if you feel that they will hurt you by any means…you're intellectual, I can see you have a thirst for knowledge but yet…something blinds that…Oh my, this is quite concerning…there seems to be only one place for you…I have no doubt that you'll find what you seek in SLYTHERIN!" It said the last words so loudly I nearly cover my ears. And that's when it hits me that I've just been sorted. My aunt has told me all about the different Hogwart's factions and it seems that I've been chosen to be in one of the more unpopular choices. My aunt is frowning and the Headmaster looks slightly stern but it's soon replaced by a kind smile.

"It would appear that the Hat as made its choice," he says. My aunt sobers up and smiles weakly. "You are disappointed Roseanne? You were hoping she'd make it into Hufflepuff?" His smile is teasing, his eyes still twinkling. I can tell by my aunt's feeble smile that he does have a certain knack for reading people. "Not to worry. Kelsey will be just fine."

I just hope he's right.

--

I can tell my aunt isn't happy about me making it in to Slytherin. I finally corner her the night before I'm due to leave. She's in the den, packing my trunk for me. I come in and sit down on the couch and watch her for a bit. As she puts something into my trunk, she checks it off a list she has floating before her. I am fascinated by her behavior. She really has taken the mother role seriously. I often wonder why she never got married or had any children because she seems to like babying me.

"You don't have to do that for me, Rosie," I say finally.

"I'm just trying to organize a bit for you, that's all. You can pack your own clothing," she says as she looks up at me. I don't need to tell her that I've already packed a separate suitcase for all my clothing. I didn't bring very much when we left New York so it wasn't that much. I assume that my school uniform will go in the trunk with all of my school things. "Do you want some coffee? I've got a fresh pot in the kitchen."

"Sure," I say. I like coffee for some reason, especially at night. In the mornings it rejuvenates me but in the evening it relaxes me. Rosie waves her wand and a steaming pot floats its way into the living room along with an extra mug. I catch the mug and the pot and pour myself a cup and then I pour Rosie another cup before I sit the coffee pot down on the coffee table. I take a ginger sip and rest the cup in my hands as it is a bit too hot to drink. Rosie doesn't touch hers just yet. She packs the rest of my belongings and closes the trunk lid before she touches her cup.

"There," she says. "That's it."

"Rosie," I say suddenly. I want to ask her but I don't want to pussyfoot around. She looks up at me. "What's so wrong with Slytherin?"

Aunt Rosie looks as though I've hit her across the face when she wasn't expecting it. She's wide eyed for a moment but her expression softens as she looks down at her hands.

"There's nothing wrong with it," she says. I know better though. Why did she seem so disappointed when the hat placed me there? I want to know the truth. I give her a look and she sighs. "There really isn't anything wrong with it. It's just that it doesn't have a very good reputation that's all. You should be proud, really. It's a noble house. I just don't understand how you got in. You aren't pureblooded."

"I'm sure there are a lot of non purebloods," I reason.

"I'm sure there is a couple but not many, Kelso. You just have to keep your guard up. I'm worried though. There are some not so nice folks that tend to look down their noses at people like you and me. I just don't want you to get hurt." I can tell by the way she's looking at me that she's being sincere. I want to reassure her that I'll be okay, but I'm not really sure if I will be. Rather than answering her, I take another sip of my coffee so I don't have to speak. Her words frighten me. "Please promise you'll be careful, Kelso. I couldn't stand the thought of something happening to you…not after Davey…I promised him and your mother that if anything ever happened to them that I'd take care of you. And your mother isn't exactly capable…"

I nod. I can tell she's trying hard to say it as delicately as possible and that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. She doesn't. I know my mother is a vegetable. I know my father is dead. I'm aware that Rosie is all I really have left. It's a depressing thought but at least I have her. I could have been left alone. Still, it doesn't make things any easier for me. I know it sounds ridiculous but sometimes I think that if I hadn't insisted on taking a walk that day, my father wouldn't be dead. Everyone is going out of their way to let me know that it isn't my fault and I know this but that doesn't stop the what if's from popping into my mind. What if…what if…what if...

"I don't mean to frighten you; I just want you to be okay. Times are hard. There's a group of people who want to eliminate people like you and me for being who we are. For our heritage."

"Who?" I am genuinely surprised by this bit of information. Rosie makes things seem rosier than they really are. She hadn't mentioned this to me before and we'd talked an awful lot. Rosie shakes her head sadly.

"There are some people out there who believe that the only people that should possess magic are people who have it in their blood. They think it is unfair that people with out any trace of magic in their families can suddenly become a witch or a wizard."

I ponder this thought for a moment. "But if you're magical, you're magical. It's not like we woke up one day and said, 'Hmm, I think I should possess magical powers,' and that's that. Sure it's nice, but did we ever expect to be this way?"

"No," Rosie says. "You're a smart girl, Kelso. It's a shame that not everyone thinks like that."

Now that I know why Rosie is so nervous about me making it in to Slytherin, I can relax a little. This doesn't stop me from being nervous however. Rosie and I stay up for a little while longer chatting before she grows tired. I sit in bed for two hours not being able to sleep. My mind keeps fluttering to the bottles stashed in my wardrobe. I don't want to pick them up, but the compulsion is too great. I only have to take a baby shot of vodka to lull me to sleep but I start thinking about the restless nights that are sure to come so I slip all of my bottles into my suit case. They might come in handy later.


	3. Chapter 3

_If you want to take, if you want to give  
When you find a meaning, you'll find it short-lived  
The gifts and opportunities that come or go or stay  
The buttons there for you to push are only in the way-_

**_Push Button- The Stolen Babies_**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Mom doesn't come with us to the train station the next morning. She's still asleep and I don't have the heart to wake her up so I kiss her on the forehead and whisper a good bye. I will write her later on but I won't expect a reply.

Aunt Rosie and I take the Floo Network to Diagon Alley and have a cab take us to the station from there Rosie shows me how to get through the barrier and I get through with out any incident. Betty is in a cage, yowling loudly, demanding to be let out. Aunt Rosie tells me that I can let her out once I find a compartment but to make sure it's okay with the people I'm sitting with.

I eye the bright red train, amazed. Red has always been a favorite color of mine. This particular shade is very shocking and is hard to look away from. I'm so mesmerized about it I hardly notice all the people around me, talking in loud anxious voices, shouting good-byes to loved ones, reuniting with friends. I don't notice that Rosie has slipped away until I am tired of looking at the train and turn to her. I panic for a few moments, thinking she's abandoned me but I spot her in the crowd with some one following her.

"Sorry Kelso," Rosie says. "But I thought it would be best to find some one to help you out your first couple of days."I am slightly mortified by this. I am not a child, I can do some things on my own but I am a little relieved. The person she has so chosen for me doesn't seem to look happy about it but he's eying me curiously and I feel myself blush underneath his stare. He's tall and thin and I can consider myself tall. He stands at least a head taller than me. Next to a patch with a snake embroidered with an S on the front of his robes there's a metal badge with the letter P engraved in it. He cautiously extends his hand for me to shake. Before I take it, I look him in the face.

He's got a very unique face. He's got the blackest eyes I've ever seen. I never thought it was possible to have black eyes like this boy does. His rather large nose gives his face a serious expression and the way his hair hangs doesn't help this effect either. I can also tell he's already begun to shave. He's clean shaven but I can see black stubble gracing his chin and upper lip just below his nose. It's the same shade as his hair and rather bushy eyebrows; black. I can tell by his pale face that he probably doesn't take care of him self as well as he should. His face has an unhealthy glow to it and there are traces of shadows beneath his eyes. Over all, he looks gaunt. As severe as he looks, his hand is surprisingly warm to the touch. I shake his hand slightly and then quickly let go, afraid that if I touch him for too long his mannerisms will rub off on me.

"I'm Severus Snape," he says. His voice is soft but not in a weak way. It's as though he's afraid of speaking too loudly. "I'm sure you'll make a wonderful addition to the Slytherin house." I feel like telling him to drop the act. It's obvious that he doesn't like this task. I will take the first opportunity I can to dismiss him of his duties.

Aunt Rosie kisses me good bye and Severus takes my cart and leads me to the train. Inside it's crowded with noisy students but we manage to find an empty compartment near the middle of the train. He hoists my trunk and suitcase into the overhead compartment and I gingerly sit the cage that's restraining Betty near the window. I expect Severus to leave but he rather sits down and makes himself comfortable. He looks down at his watch.

"Fifteen till," he says. "It's lucky we found an empty compartment. I expect people will want to sit here with us." I suddenly dread the fact. I don't want to be bombarded by a bunch of people who are curious about me. "They can find somewhere else to sit," he hisses suddenly looking quite bitter.

I fidget with the clamp on Betty's cage for a moment, wondering if it's okay to let her out now. She's not as loud as she was before but every so often I hear her protesting. I feel bad for her being caged up. I sympathize with her and very soft little meow makes me feel guilty. She's been so used to running free these past few weeks and suddenly she's caged up again.

"You can let it out," Severus says.

"Are you sure? I don't want her to be a nuisance or anything."

"No, it's quite alright. If letting her out will get her to be quiet then do it."

I feel rather offended by his tone but I let Betty out anyway. She immediately leaps out and begins to sniff around the seats. She looks up at me and lets out a loud meow. This is her way of chastising me but when she's done, she lets me pet her and she begins to purr deeply. She's all over the place, so I can't pet her for long. Betty hops across the seat as she spots Severus. She nudges his hand with her head, demanding that he pet her. I expect for a moment that he'll push her away but he doesn't. He pets her gently a couple of times and she meows appreciatively, begging for more. He runs a finger under her chin and I halfway smile because now Betty has her eyes half closed and is purring loudly.

"I think she likes you," I say. "She doesn't normally socialize like that."

Severus doesn't look up as he says, "Well, then we both having something in common."

Betty finally lies down next to him, resting her chin on his leg as she gazes up lovingly at him. I'm not sure what to say to him now. He's absently stroking Betty's head and he doesn't act like he wants to hold a conversation with me at all. I stare at him. I feel like I should say something to him, but I'm not sure I want to. I'm scared he might kill me if I do. He looks like the sort of person who'd do something like that.

"I'm Kelsey, by the way. Kelsey Kiesling," I say finally.

"I know, your aunt told me."

"You don't have to do this," I tell him, furrowing my eyebrows. He looks up at me and scowls. Suddenly I'm aware that he's not trying to be rude or anything. His face just makes him seem so serious. I feel almost bad for him. He's not unattractive but he's not handsome either and I can tell that he probably isn't the most popular boy in school. "I'm sure I can find my own way around. My aunt is a bit protective of me."

He merely shrugs at me. He's different, I can tell. I expected people to ask me silly questions about myself that would only be a hassle for me. But Severus doesn't. I appreciate this immensely.

"I don't mind too much," he says. This comes off as some what of a surprise. "Besides, if I left you now, I might end up sitting with a bunch of idiots." He warily eyes students passing the compartment, blissfully ignoring us. "Granted, I did leave my luggage in a different compartment…"

"Oh," I say. "Perhaps we should go find it…"

"No, it's alright. They have some one take it up to the school for us. It all ends up in the same place anyway. I doubt anyone will try and break into it and if they do, well then, they've got another thing coming to them. Where are you from by the way?" He asks the last part so suddenly I almost don't hear it. I wish I could tell him that I was from somewhere more exotic than I was from…like Japan perhaps. I wish I could tell him I studied under some wise sage who was learned in martial arts and that I was unique but being the boring person that I am I can't lie. Not about something like that anyway.

"New York," I say quietly."We moved to Ireland with my aunt after my father left."

I don't know why I say the last part like I did but it sort of just pops out of my mouth. In a way he did leave us but I do not want Severus to know that he was dead or that he'd been murdered. That will just bring up more questions that I do not want to answer. I don't want him to feel sorry for me. I don't want him to be uncomfortable. There's just something about having a parent who has died that makes people act different around you. Right after Dad died, Tasha came over for a visit. It just wasn't the same. She spoke in an overly caring voice that drove me bananas. She refused to talk about what happened though it still hung there. What could you possibly say to some one who had witnessed her father dying? There wasn't really much to say. It was then that I was aware that no one would ever look at me the same way again. When ever some one mentions my name they'll always think about what happened to me. They will pity me. I don't want pity. I just want things to be normal again though that is probably never going to happen.

"We sort of studied other magical cultures in History of Magic. From what I could tell there isn't much difference between American education and British."I'm glad he doesn't want to talk about me anymore. I don't have to think about myself anymore. I'm trying to be excited about starting at a new school but I dread it more than anything. I only hope that I'll be a sensation for a few hours. Perhaps with Severus around, I won't have people flocking around me demanding answers from me. He seems to be intimidating. People who are passing by us are looking in but walking away quickly.

"Well," I start. "It sort of depends on where you're at. We have the academies like Hogwarts, but not everyone learns there. I took night classes during the regular school year so I could go to normal school during the day and then full time during the summer break. My parents couldn't afford to send me to an academy."

We seem to be breaking common ground. He's nodding and petting Betty who's purring contently. I'm almost jealous that my cat has found some one else to cling to but I can deduce that things don't tend to flock towards Severus like Betty has so I leave her be.

"I don't come from money either. But a lot of people at Hogwarts do."

I shrug. I can deal with rich. Robert was a rich boy but that didn't matter very much to me. He was Robert with money or no. With him around we were never bored. His parents didn't like me much because my dad was just a lowly carpenter. They wanted Robert to have nice girlfriends, nice girlfriends with lots of money. I know for a fact that rich girls are much wilder than us working class girls. There's something about not having a lot that humbles you. Rich girls have no boundaries. This is why Robert liked me. Sure, I wasn't as well dressed as some of the girls he went to school with nor was I as attractive but I knew that Robert needed some one steady. Some one who knew when to say when and would be able to say so for him when he needed it. I'm not so sure I'm that girl anymore. I start to think about Robert and I wonder if he knows I might not ever come back. It's painful to think about him with his arm around another female and it stings quite a bit to think about him kissing some one else, but yet it doesn't hurt as much as it should hurt. It was selfish to want him to wait for me forever and I couldn't ask him to do it, so I won't. Maybe I will come back and maybe I won't. If he's still there if I do, I'll embrace him. It's hard to think that it could be over between us especially since we'd been going steady for five years now and have known each other well before that. That doesn't matter however. What matters is the present. What matters is Severus whom I want to learn more about.

"What's the P stand for?" I ask Severus. Severus looks down at his robes.

"Prefect," he replies simply. I have no notion as to what this means but I decide not to ask. I will figure it out soon enough, I'm sure. "I wanted to make Head Boy but I was beat out."

"Head Boy…" I say. It's not really a question but it's not really a statement either. I've left it open so he can answer if he so chooses. He does. I spend the rest of the train ride bombarding him with questions about the school and the people and it helps to think that I might have a friend. At least I have that much. As much as I want to be alone, I've accepted the fact that Rosie is right. I need some one to help me understand this place. I need some one to help me adapt. After spending those hours with Severus, I decided he wasn't so bad after all. It appears as though he thinks the same thing. As I stare at the passing country side, I feel an overwhelming sense of peace wash over me. There's a voice in my head that tells me that everything is going to be alright. And some how, I believe it.

--

The feast is amazing but I'm growing tired. Severus leads me to the Slytherin dormitories down in the dungeons. It's damp down there and everything has a musty odor to it, but I don't mind one bit. The common room is very cozy as there are several pieces of furniture scattered about in front of a large cackling fireplace. There's two hall ways that lead off from the common room. Severus explains that the girls' dorms are to the left and the boys are to the right. The seventh year dorm should be the first door on the right. He wishes me good night and I try to summon enough courage to enter the dorm by myself. There's a gold plate on the large wooden door with the number seven engraved on it. This is the right room. I take a deep breath and push the door open. It creaks loudly and I groan inwardly because there are three other girls there and they're all staring at me. I do my best to ignore their gazes as I find an empty bed. The four poster canopy bed is much larger than what I'm used to but I don't mind one bit. It's covered in a simple black quilt with large matching pillows and the curtains surrounding the beds are made from a sheer wispy green material. I find my trunk stowed very carefully at the foot of my bed and upon further inspection, my suit case is sitting on the bed. I carefully open it and find all of my toiletries and pull out my flannel pajamas and look around for a bathroom.

"I think you've got the wrong room," one of the girls finally says. Her tone is rather rude and I can tell by the way she's looking at me that she thinks I'm not much of anything.

"My stuff is here," I reply. I don't want to be rude but I'm not going to be accused of wrong doing when I haven't done a single thing. The girl merely shrugs and turns back to whisper with her friends. I'm sure they're talking about me but I really don't care. I am so exhausted that all I can think about is getting into my pajamas and crashing out in the large comfortable looking bed. I change quickly with my back to them and politely brush past them towards the bathroom. The bath room is huge. There are four shower stalls, four toilets and four sinks. There's also a large bathtub in the far corner of the room behind the showers. I find a sink that hasn't already been littered with cosmetics and other personal items and do my bed time routine. I wash my face first, smear it with lotion, and then I brush my teeth. I do this as quickly as I possibly can so I can hurry and get into bed. However, on my way out, the girl who was rude to me stops me.

"Who are you?" She asks me. Her tone is much less brazen than it was before but I still got the distinct feeling that she was looking down her nose at me.

"I'm new," I reply.

"I know that," she's getting impatient but so am I. I want to go to bed and this isn't speeding up the process any. "Where did you come from?"

"New York," I make to move pass her but she steps in my path.

"Who are your parents?"

I stare at her for a few moments. It's not any of her business exactly who my parents are. I know she's only asking because she wants to know if I'm pureblooded or not. She was one of the people Rosie warned me about.

"You don't know them, so why should it matter?" I mumble and shove her slightly out of my way. I find my bed again and sit my stuff in my suitcase and shove my suit case under the bed. I climb in bed and pull the curtains shut. I can hear them whispering about me. They're whispering loudly so I'll hear but I really don't care. They don't know me.

"Did you hear that accent?" One of them giggled.

"I'm willing to wager she's as dumb as a troll. Most Americans are."

"I wonder why she wouldn't tell Laura who her parents were."

"She probably doesn't have any," some one snickered. My feelings should have been hurt. I should have gotten up and told them off because they'd hit the nail right on the head. I really don't care what they think and I guess being the center of attention isn't that bad. I yawn quietly and roll over. Tonight, I'm able to sleep just fine.

The next morning I wake up feeling refreshed. There's no headache this time and I am relieved. I get dressed with out acknowledging the other girls at all and pack my books into my book bag. I'm not sure how many of the books I'll actually need as I don't have my schedule yet, but I take all of them just to be safe. I'll come unload the ones I don't need during lunch.

All of the other girls leave except one. She's busy pulling on her stockings and muttering to herself as she pulls her shoes on. It is apparent to me that she is not a morning person at all. I find it entertaining to watch her and she catches me looking so I look away.

"Hi," she says to me. Her voice is scratchy with sleep but she seems harmless enough. She stands and makes her way over to me. I busy myself with trying to find room in my bag for my quills that Aunt Rosie has bought me. I try not to pay attention to the girl as she sits down on my bed and leans back, crossing her legs. "I'm Calisher MacLeod. We didn't really get a chance to introduce our selves properly."

"I'm Kelsey Kiesling," I say and turn back to my overstuffed bag. I'm starting to suspect that she has an ulterior motive as she's being so nice. She's a good actress if she does.

"Sorry about last night. If it's any consolation, they'll get used to you," she says. I shrug. "We really don't get many new people. You're the first in a long time. We've all been friends since first year and I just hope you don't get too discouraged by their behavior."

I still don't reply and I can see that Calisher is some what flustered by my silence. It's not that I'm trying to ice her out; it's that I don't know what to say. I know I'm not exactly perfect but don't these people understand that it's wrong to judge some one or assume that I'm some one to hate because they don't know me? It's just not an excuse that flies with me. I'm touched that Calisher has gone out of her way to try and assure me that I'll be fine but I don't like the way she's going about saying it.

"Do you need me to show you around? Because I will," she says.

"No. Some one else has already volunteered." I sling my backpack over my shoulder. "He's meeting me downstairs." Calisher stands up and straightens her skirt out. I can see that she's a bit stung by my quiet behavior. I guess she's sort of right, I guess it does take time.

--

Severus meets me in the common room. Not a word is uttered as we walk to the Great Hall for breakfast. During breakfast, a great fat fellow hands us our schedules and Severus and I compare classes. Even though we don't have every single class together he assures me that he'll see to it that I get to all of them. I'm grateful for his help but I still feel a bit guilty. I'll have to find a way to repay him later.

My first few classes aren't too horrible. There is no homework and much to my relief, I'm not too far behind everyone else. Most of the Professors pull me aside after class and assure me that they'll be more than glad to help me catch up if it needs to be done. I nod politely but I'm sure I can manage. It's all the same basic stuff and with a little bit of effort I'm sure I can catch up to where I need to be. I have a free period right after lunch, after that I have Transfiguration and after that I have Potion's, my only class of the day with Severus, besides the free period. At lunch, we go over my schedule and devise a plan. He wants me to meet him out side of the Transfiguration classroom which is only a short way from the class he has. From there he'll walk me to Potions.

After lunch I go back to the common room. Severus has something to do right after lunch so I go ahead to the common room with out him. I know enough now to know how to get back to my room. But something is wrong when I get to my dorm. My trunk, suit case and Betty's cage are all sitting out side in the hallway. Betty is not in her cage so I assume that she's probably roaming around somewhere, hopefully not getting into trouble. The oddest thing of all is when I try to open the door, it won't budge at all. It's been locked. I pound on the door, thinking it's a mistake, but when no one answers it hits me. I've been evicted. I start to panic because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Where am I supposed to sleep if not in there? I run back into the common room just as Severus is coming in.

"They kicked me out," I say hoarsely. I'm trying not to cry but I can feel tension behind my eyes. I try to blink them back. For the moment they hold.

"What?" Severus asks, his eye brows furrowed. "Who's kicked you out from where?"

"They kicked me out of the dorm. I found my stuff sitting outside and the door is locked and they won't let me in!" I'm frustrated and I can't help the tear that trickles down my cheek. Severus looks angry.

"I'll go get Professor Slughorn," he says.

"No," I protest. "If they don't want me in there then I don't think I want to be in there."

"That's stupid, Kelsey. Where are you supposed to sleep?"

I look around and spot one of the couches. Severus reads my gaze and shakes his head.

"You can't sleep out here."

"It'd be a damn sight better then being in the same room as those horrible girls!"

"Just let me go get a professor."

"No," I say firmly. I don't want to make things worse on myself than they already are. "I can manage." I wipe the tears from my eyes and go to fetch my things. For now, I won't worry about it. I've got other things to do.

--

"Hey, new girl," some one is calling loudly. I turn and look to see a young man running towards me, and I look around, thinking he's talking to some one else. Then it hits me that I'm probably the only new girl around. The young man sticks his hand out for me to shake, which I do, timidly of course, as I am suspicious. Severus seems to think that Gryffindors are very untrustworthy and I've been watching this boy as he bares a close resemblance Robert. I know enough to know that he's in Gryffindor. The emblem of the lion on his robes is a dead give away.

"I'm James Potter," he says, smiling slightly as he lets go of my hand. I say nothing, wondering what the point of this is and then I realize it'd probably best that I tell him who I am.

"I'm Kelsey Kiesling," I say. I'm still a bit wary of this boy's intentions but he seems nice enough. He's also somewhat good looking, but maybe I'm a bit biased. He's got messy black hair, he wears very expensive looking glasses frames and carries him self with an air of confidence. I have just barely met him but I can see that he's a bit on the cocky side. I can tell as he smiles at me widely now, trying to charm me, but I'm immune. Robert does the same thing but it still amuses me. "My friends call me Kelso. It's a nickname my dad stuck me with and it never left. Sort of embarrassing." He lets out a snort of laughter and I can't help but smile.

"Better than mine, I suppose. It's Prongs, by the way, but now-a-days I prefer to be called James. Trying to shed that persona, you see." I nod wisely. I know what he's talking about and I wish I could do the same with mine, because hearing my nickname reminds me of my father and a life that I will never live again. "Where are you from? I mean I know you're not from around here, but the rumors are a bit far fetched, so I thought I'd ask my self."

I raise my eyebrows at him and wonder what rumors are being spread about my previous place of residence. "What are people saying I'm from Mars or something?"

He smiles crookedly and is clearly embarrassed. "No," he says. "Nothing like that. People are just having a fun time guessing where you're from."

"Oh, well, you can tell them I'm from New York."

"The Big Apple?"

"The one and only," I say, grinning again. He perks up instantly.

"I've been there before. My dad does business there and took me with him when I was eight years old. I loved it."

"It has its charm," I say. I'm still wondering why he's approached me. Something tells me that he isn't here just to get to know me. It's probably the way he's fidgeting, trying to make small talk with me. Part of me wants to come right out and ask him what his problem is, but the other part of me, the sadistic part mainly, wants to watch him squirm some more.

"So, how do you like it at Hogwarts so far?" He asks me after a long awkward silence. People brush passed us hurriedly, rushing to their next class and I'm starting to worry that I'll be late to my next class which happens to be potions. Then I remember what Severus told me about the Potion's Master, I forget his name, that he favors Slytherins, as he is the head of the Slytherin house. I met him once before, and he seemed nice enough, but part of me wants to impress him by not showing up late and seeming careless.

"It's only been a few days, I haven't really had much of a chance to really form an opinion," I say. I try not to remember how the other girls locked me out of the dorm or how people give me dirty looks, though I'm not sure why. James how ever seems to sense something because his eyebrows furrow together.

"They haven't been nice to you have they?"

I bite my lip and look around, worried some one might be spying and trying to over hear us. Then I see him. Severus is standing a distance away, glaring in our direction. Now I'm uncomfortable because I watched the way Severus glared at James at the feast. I don't want him getting the wrong idea as I sort of like Severus. He seems rather bitter, but I like his ability to take control. I hate thinking especially now days.

"No," I mumble. "They haven't."

James clucks his tongue sympathetically.

"It's because you're new, they'll get used to you."

I nod, but I'm not really listening. I'm watching Severus who is making his way towards us now. I want James to leave, but he keeps on talking, but I'm not really listening. Severus finally approaches us and regards James coolly. I look at Severus' prefect badge and then I look back at James and notice that he's wearing an even bigger badge that proclaims him Head Boy. My eyes widen. He was only being nice to me because he was Head Boy. I feel some what betrayed but then again, it's his job.

"Snape," James says, glaring at Severus. Both of them are holding back, and I notice them both looking in the same direction. There's a girl with red hair heading our way, but she doesn't seem to notice us. She's looking at her feet and as she passes us, she looks up. I see that she's wearing a badge just like James'. For a moment I think she's going to stop as she's wearing a concerned expression but she passes by anyway. I watch after her for a moment and she stops a few steps ahead and pretends to look at a portrait on the wall but I can tell that she's eavesdropping.

"I was just welcoming our newest student to Hogwarts," James says, loudly while still glaring at Severus. But it's not Severus he's talking to; it's the girl with red hair. I frown because he's using me as a ploy to get to her, but all at the same time, I'm enjoying the attention.

"There's no need, Potter," Severus says, with a disgusted look on his pale face. "She's got me and she doesn't need a complete prat like you to welcome her." James turns red in the face and acts like he's going to say something but he glances towards the girl who is looking on with concerned interest. Severus smirks smugly, grabs my arm and leads me away. I glance back at James who is frowning and shoot him a sympathetic look. He waves slightly and turns to the red head, approaching her with a wide smile. Severus doesn't say a word to me until we turn the corner and make our way down stairs.

"I warned you about them," he says as he stops. I stare at him strangely, not really knowing what he's talking about. He warned me about the Gryffindors, but James is Head Boy. He couldn't be that bad off if he was made Head Boy could he? "That…that…dunderhead is bad news, Kelsey. Stay away from him."

I like that he calls me Kelsey but it seems so formal to me, and it sounds so foreign. He's flustered by the encounter, I can tell because his pale cheeks are flushed and red tinged. I frown because I rather liked James, even if he was a bit cocky.

"He reminds me of my boyfriend back home," I say quietly as though that's supposed to explain everything. Severus sneers at me.

"So you think he's good looking do you? So does everyone else. I think you have deplorable tastes if that's what you like," he says. This angers me and I want to slap him but I just stand there.

"What's it to you? Why should I care what you think, anyway?" I snarl. He stares at me, his red cheeks turning even redder. I almost laugh, wanting to hurt his feelings like he hurt mine.

"I'm just telling you what I think," he says lowly.

"Well, you want the truth? I could give a shit what you think!" I want to storm off but I realize I have no idea where I'm going, so I stand there, like an idiot.

"Don't be a fool, Kelsey," he says. "I've known him longer than you have. It's not like you have a chance with him anyway. He's only got eyes for some one else."

"I didn't say I was interested in him! I just said he reminded me of my boyfriend!" My voice is starting to rise and people are looking at me. Severus cowers a little bit at the tone of my voice but he straightens quickly and shoots everyone around us dirty looks, so they all move on as though we were invisible. I want to cry; I want to yell some more because I'm so angry and frustrated with him. "Please, just stop patronizing me, Severus! I don't need you to be my father!" The words slip from me and I clap my hand over my mouth, realizing what I just said. Severus' eyebrows shoot to his hairline. He puts his arm around my shoulders and leads me somewhere, I don't know where, I'm not paying any attention because I'm still shocked by my words. He leads me into a classroom and he sits me down at a desk, though I'm still not really aware of anything until he leaves me. I look up and realize I'm sitting next to the redhead from the hallway earlier. I hadn't even seen her pass us. She smiles brightly at me.

"Hi," she says. "I'm Lily. You must be Kelsey, the exchange student."

I nod numbly and look around for Severus. He's scowling heavily now, because there's only one spot left to sit and it's next to James, whom I also didn't see pass us. I realize Severus must have sat me next to the red head so he wouldn't have to take care of me anymore. Lily doesn't say much else as the teacher, a fat, jolly man whom I think looks like a regal Santa Clause, enters the room. He stands at the podium in front of the room and waves his arms around genially as he begins his speech.

"Good afternoon," he booms. "And welcome to seventh year potions! This year, as you prepare for your N.E.W.T's you will be taking your study of the fine art of potion making to another level. Today, to start off with, we shall be brewing a most complicated potion, but I have faith that there are at least a few of you who will exceed excellently." He pauses for a moment, looks in our direction and winks heartily at Lily. Lily flushes a deep shade of red and shrinks a little into her seat. The teacher points his wand at the blackboard and the instructions appear. "You have until the end of the class period. Also, I suggest you take the time to find a compatible partner who shall become your permanent partner, as a lot of the potions we will be brewing this year will be co-dependant as it saves on ingredients thus saving the Potion's department money."

He steps down and makes his way towards the desk and suddenly the room is a buzz with people partnering up. James and Severus are looking in our direction, but at that moment I don't want anything to do with Severus. I look at Lily who is eying James with a slight frown on her face. She then turns to me and says, "What do you say? Partners?" I shrug my shoulders and she smiles brightly and scoots closer to me. Both boys are searching desperately around the room, looking for some one available but it appears as though they're the odd ones out. They stare at each other in disgust as they realize that they've both been paired together unwillingly. I smile smugly, thinking it serves Severus right for being such an ass to me.

Lily begins working diligently on the potion while I watch on, not sure what to do. I've never been good at potions, but I never really got a chance to practice either. It's very apparent that Lily is good at what she does because she seems so sure of her self as she stirs and adds ingredients. I'm feeling slightly uncomfortable because I'm not really helping her and I'm not being very friendly either.

"So are you and the Head Boy like boyfriend and girlfriend?" I ask because it seems like an innocent question, and I want to be friendly but she frowns.

"No," she says. "He's been asking me out for ages but I always turn him down."

"Oh," I say, embarrassed. "Sorry."

"You didn't know, so it's alright."

I want to know more because it seems like she's hiding something and I want to know what.

"He seems alright," I say. He was nice enough to make a point to introduce himself. Lily looks at me strangely. "I mean, he didn't seem awful or anything."

"Yeah," Lily says, though it seems as though she's a million miles away. "He some how managed to worm his way into the Head Boy seat. His father probably bought it for him."

"That's not a very fair assumption," I say, frowning.

"No, I guess it's not," Lily sighs. "I just haven't been on very good terms with him. He hasn't exactly been nice."

"What do you mean?"

She begins to add more of what looks like brown ice cubes to the potion. "I had a friend and…and…" She's frowning deeply now and I almost feel bad for milking this out of her. It seems to be a touchy subject. "Well, Potter wasn't very nice to him. Not that it matters any more, because my friend and I had a falling out in fifth year and we haven't really spoken since."

We are silent again for the longest time. I take this time to study Severus who seems engrossed in the potion. James is butting in every so often, or so it seems, but Severus ignores him and continues to do things his way. As I study him, I notice I like the way his shoulders are hunched over as though he is guarding the potion. I like the way his hair falls around his face even if it doesn't look clean. It sort of reminds me of Tasha's hair when she doesn't haven't done up in cornrows. A few days out of the year, usually around Christmas, she lets it hang down loose. It's so rough and oily and she has to iron it straight so it hangs like stretched out cotton. It's also extremely pretty to me, especially when she wears it in a bun at the base of her neck. It makes her look so serious and grown up. I feel a pang in my heart as I think of her. I feel guilty once more for leaving her behind but I know Tasha. She's a very strong girl and can deal which is why we got along so well. Whenever I get upset, Tasha is always there to bring me down to earth even if it means she has to be mean with me. Severus, I think, is a lot like her. Or perhaps I miss home more than I think I do and am trying to find something familiar in somebody.

"Alright," Lily says as she drags me from my thoughts. "We've got to let it simmer for a few minutes before we add the daisy root." I have no idea what she's talking about, but I nod anyway as if I do. I begin to stare at Severus again. He's at the same step we are and he's staring stiffly ahead. "Do you like him?" Lily asks me quietly. This throws me for a loop. At first I think she's talking about James. "Severus is a good guy," she says thoughtfully. "Just mixed up."

"He's been showing me around, but I don't like him or anything." I know my blush is making a liar out of me. I do like him, and I don't want to like him, but I do anyway. He's really the only person in Slytherin who has been some what decent to me. To my horror, Lily smiles knowingly.

"I'm sure," is all she says.

--

That night, I sit by myself at dinner. Severus doesn't even make an attempt to come sit with me. He's sitting with two guys and every so often I catch him glimpsing in my direction. When he does this, I look down at my plate. He's not really talking much to the other boys but then again Severus doesn't seem like the type that has to put their two cents in so they feel some how validated. I like that in a person. I hate it when some one talks constantly. Some times silence really can be golden.

I finish my food quickly and I'm not really in the mood for desert so I go back to the common room to try and figure out my sleeping situation. There are many students lounging and I spot Calisher and the other girls huddled around the fireplace, with bottles of nail varnish floating before them as a small brush colored their toe nails. Calisher spots me and I make eye contact with her. I'm not scared of her. I'm not scared of any of them. Sure, they kicked me out, but I really don't care anymore. Calisher blinks blankly at me but I do not break my gaze. I want to transmute my anger to her with out having to say a word. It apparently works as she turns away swiftly.

As it gets later, people begin to retire to their dorm rooms and pretty soon I'm left all alone. I drag my trunk and my suit case which has been lying in a desolate corner with a disillusionment charm placed upon it over to one of the larger sofas. When the last person has left, I quickly change into my pajamas and make myself comfortable. I wish I had a pillow and a blanket, but the couch is soft enough and the fire is warm enough, I'm not really worried about all of it. Pretty soon I find myself drifting off to sleep. But once I'm nearly all the way asleep, I feel some one poking me in the arm and I wake up. Severus is standing over me.

"You can't sleep out here," he states. I roll my eyes at him. We'd been over this and I really am not in the mood to argue. "There's an extra bed in the boy's dorm. I talked to all of the other guys and they said they wouldn't mind if you took it."

I stare at him for a second. He wants me to sleep in the Boy's Dorm. How in the hell was I supposed to have any sort of privacy with a bunch of males hanging around? Granted, besides the sofa, it really was my only other option but the sofa seemed to be the best deal.

"I'm fine right here, but thank you anyway." I turn over and hug my arms. The fire place has kept them sufficiently warm but now that I've turned away, I suddenly feel cold. I can almost see Severus rolling his eyes.

"Don't be stupid. Come on," he starts to tug on my arm. I am annoyed now. I want to be by myself. I want to be able to think. I still haven't forgotten about what a prick he was to me earlier. "Kelsey," he says in a warning tone. Some how I know he isn't going to give up. I sigh and roll over.

"Fine, but just for tonight."

"If they haven't let you in by tomorrow, I'm going to talk to a teacher."

I stand cautiously on my feet. I'm very tired and so very disappointed. Aunt Rosie had assured me that this would be the best school year of my life and that it would help me get my mind off of what happened to Dad but so far I'm not impressed. I don't want to get my mind off of my dad. The last thing I want to do is forget him. It even eases my mind just a little bit to think about him.

Oh Daddy, if you were still here things would be so much easier. I would be safe and sound in my own bed with no one to lock me out. I don't want to be angry with you but its so frustrating having to deal with one thing after another. Couldn't you talk to some one up there? Couldn't you ask them to cut me some slack? I'm only human.

--

Severus is trying to concentrate on his book. What he's trying not to look at is the four poster canopy across from his own. But it's impossible for him not to look. Across, in the other bed, is where Kelsey is supposed to be sleeping. But the problem is he isn't sure if she's really sleeping or playing a cruel joke on him. The curtains are closed and he can't see her but he can hear her. She's tossing and turning, he can hear the blankets rustling. She's moaning loudly, saying something incomprehensible and Severus fears that she'll wake everyone else up. The moaning stops momentarily. Severus looks around and listens carefully. There's no stirring from any of the other beds. There's only loud snoring coming from a couple of the canopies. There are no wands being lit, there is no angry mumbles. Its dead quiet for a moment. Severus relaxes a little, thinking he's just being a bit too jumpy.

"Daddy! Oh god no!"

Severus sits straight up. His heart is thumping wildly in his chest. Severus suddenly understands why the other girls kicked her out of the dorm. They couldn't sleep with her shrieking like that and neither could he.

"Call nine one one! Some one help me, please! "

Her tone is panicky and Severus shoots out of bed, thinking she's woken up entirely from a horrible nightmare. He silently pads over to her bed and throws the curtains open. He lights his wand and finds that she's thrown all the blankets off of herself; apparently she's been thrashing about. Her strawberry blonde hair is slick with sweat so it looks almost auburn in the light. There are tears streaking down her face and she's curled up into a ball. She begins to flail about again, crying out but not waking up. She's impervious to his ignited wand. Severus climbs in the bed and tries to restrain her, but she's kicking wildly. It doesn't stop until he throws his arms around her and holds her firmly. Finally, she's still again. Her face isn't screwed up like it was and she goes limp. Severus frees her for a moment and grabs the blankets, straightening them out as he threw them over the two of them. He knew if they were found by a teacher that he'd get into a lot of trouble. He'd just have to wake up before any one else and climb back into his own bed before they were discovered. But for now, she was sleeping soundly, apparently content that some one safe was near by all though she didn't know it. Subconsciously she was secure. If it kept her quiet long enough for him to sleep then it was a small price to pay.

* * *

**What does every one think so far? It's not too horrible I hope? If it is, you should let me know to prevent myself from further embarrassment. Like I said, I wasn't sure if I should post this or not and decided to do it any way. I know it moves a little bit quickly but I'm trying my best to slow down the pace. I've never been good with drawing out details and writing long stories.**

**I'd like to thank Ashes Falling for giving me her honest opinion (and she didn't kiss my ass and tell me my story is fucking epic because I know it's not.) before I decided to post this and she is hereby exempt from reviewing if she so chooses :P. Everyone else on the other hand...go review. The Dark Lord commands it :D. **


	4. Chapter 4

_My pain, my pride, these scars are mine  
My pain  
My misery has been formulated into an equation of nein  
My sanity wrote a suicide note but  
One of us is illiterate  
And the other is blind  
My first act of treason was picking up a pen  
My  
First act of love was  
Finding myself again  
The hardest thing to do  
Was standing up to you  
Now I'm off my knees  
Now you're begging me please  
I'm the wound and the weapon  
The fracture and the  
Fist-_

_Nein-Otep_

* * *

**Chapter Four**

Eventually everything falls into a pattern. My first few days at Hogwarts are rough but as the days slowly turn into weeks, I find myself falling in line with the routine. Even though I know my way around, Severus still walks with me to the classes that we do have together. We also eat our meals together and if I need help in any subject, he takes the time to help me. It's all so very sweet of him but sometimes I get the feeling that he's only being so nice because he's obligated.

He has horrible mood swings. At lunch he'll be perfectly nice and by the time Potion's rolls around he won't talk to me sometimes. Of course, I can understand. He's still paired off with James Potter. I've learned from Lily Evans that since first year, James and Severus were enemies. I like James alright enough. He's friendly towards me and makes an attempt to at least say hello every once in a while which is more than I can say for some of the other people.

The Slytherin girls ignore me completely. Some how, word got around that both my parents were non-magical, or muggles as they call them here. Like Rosie told me, Slytherin seems to be reserved for purebloods only. I don't know how I got in, but they act as though I cheated my way in. Even though both my parents are muggles, I figure that somewhere down the line there has to be some magical heritage. Rosie is a witch. I'm a witch. It doesn't take much to put two and two together. Rosie told me once that she thinks that we may be the product of a squib. She says she's not sure exactly who, but she thinks it was probably her grandmother and my great grandmother. When her parents told their parents that Rosie was a witch, apparently my great grandmother Kiesling didn't seem surprised. However, Rosie couldn't help but notice that her grandmother was more distant toward her after that. Rosie thinks it's because she was jealous. It sounds odd, but if you had two magical parents, magical siblings but you couldn't do magic wouldn't you be a bit envious of those who could? Any way, I don't tell any one else all of this. My heritage is murky, but I don't understand why it's so important to these people. Severus is the only one who doesn't seem to care much if he even listens to the gossip.

Suffice to say, I haven't had a chance to move back into the Girls' dormitory. I know I can't stay in with the boys for ever but I feel oddly comfortable there. Some times the other boys make tawdry comments to me but for the most part they don't seem to mind that I'm there. Apparently they haven't heard about my lineage yet. I pray that they remain oblivious. Lily told me some of the things that they've done to muggleborns. I think that they figure since I'm in Slytherin that I'm pureblooded. I won't correct their assumptions. I may be proud but I'm not stupid.

The days fly by so quickly now that I wake up one morning and realize that I've been here for a month. It leaves me in awe for a second because it doesn't seem to have been that long. It's like I'm not aware of time anymore. It slips out from underneath me and trips me, like some one pulling a rug beneath my feet. Suddenly everyone is making plans for the weekend trip out of school. I hear people talking about Hogsmeade at breakfast one morning. So I ask Severus what the big deal was.

"Oh," he says, munching on a piece of toast. I've interrupted him during his morning reading. The guy likes to read. Every time I turn around, he's got his nose shoved in a book. At meals, during free periods and at night before he goes to sleep, he's more than likely engrossed in a book. "Once every couple of months they let us go into a near by village to shop for supplies. They all turn it in to a date for some reason. Every time there's a Hogsmeade weekend, all the girls get riled up, trying to get the boys to ask them out."

"Well, I can't blame them. I mean, you don't get much dating freedom around here. There's not much to do," I tell him. He rolls his eyes at me.

"If you want to know the truth I think they should concentrate on trying to get through school rather than sex. There's more to life than just sex."

"You sound like such a teacher," I tease. He glares darkly at me for a second and then pulls a disgusted face.

"You're right. I do."

I can't help but giggle and he gives me a half smile. I know it seems ridiculous and extremely corny, but when he smiles at me like that my heart skips a beat. I know he thinks it's stupid to date but suddenly I want nothing more than for him to ask me to go to Hogsmeade with him. It also makes me feel guilty because I'm being disloyal to Robert. But Robert isn't here with me now. We've written back and forth but the letters from him seem so strained and generic. I find my self missing him less and less everyday. I don't think about him as much as I used to. But I can't find a reason to break it off with him. Perhaps it will just take its own course. I hope this is the case. I don't want to leave him hanging but it's unfair of me to keep giving him hope that there's something still there when there's not. I don't even know if we're going to go back to New York when the year is out. I don't miss it there. I feel safe here.

My brain is heavy with thought through out the rest of the day. I can't concentrate on my school work. When the last class of the day finally rolls around, I seriously consider skipping so I can go have a nap. Before I can make this decision, however, James Potter approaches me, looking some what flustered.

"Hi," he says. I say hi back and I wait for him to get to the point. He pulls a few faces and lets out a deep breath. "Listen, I don't know exactly how to word this…" He shuffles his feet a bit and clears his throat. "But I need your help." I stare at him intently and he turns red under my gaze. "Erm…well…I wanted to ask Evans to go to Hogsmeade with me…but the problem is…I don't think she'll say yes if I ask her myself."

"You want me to ask her?"

"Would you?" He's looking very sheepish now. I think it's cute. But I'm not sure that Severus would approve…Wait…since when do I care what Severus approves of me doing? I'm not his slave. We're not married. I nod my head and James beams. Well, I think, so much for skipping potions. It's for a good cause though.

Lily and I don't get much of a chance to talk. Professor Slughorn immediately calls for quiet and our instructions appear on the board. Professor Slughorn growls at any one he catches talking and I can tell he's hung over. He's sitting at his desk, rubbing his temples and his face is red. He flinches when ever some one in the front row lights their burner. Today we're brewing a blood replenishing potion. I can't concentrate. James keeps looking back at me, expectantly. I quickly try and think of a way to talk to Lily with out being caught. I pull a piece of parchment from my book bag and a quill.

"James asked me to ask you if you wanted to go to Hogsmeade with him, he doesn't think you'll say yes if he asks you himself, the coward," I quickly scribble. I pass the note to Lily who looks at me, puzzled and opens the note. She reads it and scowls as she pulls out her own quill. She writes something down and slides the parchment back to me.

"Coward is right. You can tell him that I said he needs to ask me himself."

"So is that a yes?"

Lily sighs as she reads my response and scribbles something down.

"I suppose he won't leave me alone until I say yes, so I suppose. But he still needs to ask me face to face."

I beam silently. I ask Lily if I can give the note to James and she nods quickly and gets back to brewing the potions. I fold the parchment carefully and pull my wand out. I levitate it to James and it drops in front of him. He looks back at me but while he's looking Severus snatches the note from him and tears it open, his face growing dark as he reads it. James realizes what has happened and tries to snatch it back. Severus is too quick for him however. He pulls the note back with so much gusto that James falls out of his seat with a loud thud. People look up and I cringe. James has his wand out and is looking extremely furious. Severus hops up with his own wand drawn and they're snarling at each other. I'm scared because they both look like they're going to kill each other. Professor Slughorn storms over and separates them before they can cast a spell.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor and fifty points from Slytherin, honestly, dueling in the class room!" He makes James and I switch spots after he gives them both detentions. Lily is looking quite livid now and Severus won't even look at me. I know he's angry, I just don't know why. Surely he can't be mad because I was passing a note to James. If he is, then he's being unfair. He doesn't speak to me for the rest of the period and refuses to sit by me during supper. I'm almost too afraid to go back to the common room. I stay out until five minutes before curfew. I enter quietly and Severus is sitting at a table, finishing up his homework. He doesn't look up when I stop in front of him.

"Hi," I say in a near whisper. Severus still doesn't look up. He continues scribbling down what ever it is he's writing with out even so much as making an irritated face. I know I've made him angry. I don't understand why but the way he's acting cuts deep. If he were to make an angry face then I'd at least know that he cares that I'm there. I bite my lip and I feel my self shaking. There's tension in my temples and it begins to spread rapidly through my forehead until it stops, relieving it's self in the form of a tear drop. It falls quickly and plunges to my chin. I wipe it away, turn and make my way to the dorm. It's dark in there so I quietly make my way to my bed and drag my suit case to into bed. I open it and dig quickly and take large gulps out of one of the bottles until I'm numb and warm inside and out. I merely push my suit case off the side of the bed, not really caring that half its content has spilled out on the floor or that it makes a loud noise as it hits the floor. The world is a much better place here in my warm fuzzy bubble.

_**---**_

Severus yawns quietly. He's been at his homework for nearly two hours and there isn't much left to do except read a few passages in the text for Transfiguration. He can afford to skive that off as McGonagall usually reviews the text in the next class and even so, his next Transfiguration lesson isn't until Monday. His brain is tired but the homework is a way of escaping his thoughts, allowing him to obsess over something else for a while. But now he can't take it. He has to come back to reality again and it annoys him.

Detention with Potter wasn't what he thought it would be. For the most part, Slughorn had separated them. It would be very unwise to make them work in close proximity with each other when they'd tried to kill each other. If Severus had been allowed to use his wand, there wouldn't be a Potter anymore.

What got him the most about the whole situation was that Lily had told him she'd never go for a guy like Potter. But there she was, going out on a date with him. It didn't make any sense. He knew he couldn't control her but it didn't stop the jealous rage that coursed its way through his veins when ever he thought of the two being together. And what was Kelsey thinking? Severus had warned her to stay away and that Potter was no good. Severus knows it's unfair to be mad at her but he has to be mad at some one.

He stands and stretches his stiff limbs and gathers his things. He heads to the dorm room, looking forward to the moment his head will hit the pillow. He quickly changes into his pajamas and climbs into bed. He closes his eyes and tries to let the blackness envelop him into a comatose state but he's instantly disturbed by some one crawling into his bed. He grabs his wand ready to curse the person that had the audacity to interrupt his sleeping. Before he can so much as cast a lighting spell, some one presses their lips to his lightly. He can smell the faint scent of alcohol and his mind goes temporarily blank.

"Please don't be mad at me," Kelsey says when she tears her lips away from his. Severus feels like some one has pulled a mean prank on him. For an instant, he was gone. For an instant he wasn't one with the world any more. It was better than being asleep. "Please, Severus."

The stench of alcohol is even stronger than it was before. Severus knows she's been drinking. Her voice is soft and airy and she's slurring slightly. He wants her gone. He doesn't want to be reminded of all of his troubles. But as soon as he thinks this, she's climbing on top of him and is kissing him again. He feels something stirring deep with in him, something so familiar yet so foreign. It has been a while since he's felt this sort of wanting. He knows she's drunk, and he knows it's wrong, but the way her body feels pressed against his warms him. He can't help but kiss her back. No one has ever kissed him before like this. It's a moment he'd been looking forward to but dreading all at once. He wanted it but not with Kelsey. Not like this. He runs his fingers through her hair and she rolls off of him. Part of him worries that she won't remember the next morning. Part of him worries that she will and that she'll hate him.

He's scared to admit that he likes her. He's scared to tell her that he thinks she's pretty. He's scared to tell her that even though he thinks going out on a date is cliché and stupid that he wants to take her out on one. He wants to experience life for once, with out the fear of rejection. It scared him to take the first step so for now, he'd stay in his warm little spot he is so comfortable in, afraid that he might lose it if he ever left it.

_**---**_

I wake up in Severus' bed, a bit confused. I sit up a little and wince. There's a dull throbbing in my head that only intensifies with each blink. Severus isn't anywhere to be found at first. I remember the night before, and I feel ashamed of my self. I remember kissing him and I remember how good it felt to be kissed back but all that I can conjure are foggy memories. What if I had imagined him kissing me back? What if he tried to get me to move but I refused? I don't remember much after the kissing part. I try not to panic too much because even thinking right now hurt. I'm glad it's Saturday and that there are no classes. I also remember that today is the day of the big Hogsmeade trip but I immediately veto the idea of going all together. I had overheard some third years talking about it, asking each other if their parents were allowing them to go. They have to have a signed piece of paper, which I do not. My aunt isn't my legal guardian anyway and my mother isn't aware of who she is. It didn't occur to me that I might need her at some point. I have become so independent over the past several months, I forget what it's like to be some one's child. I've forgotten what it's like to have parents.

Severus pulls the curtains on the canopy back and I wince in the sudden exposure to light. With the curtains closed, it's pitch black. There are no windows down here but there are torches everywhere and they are bright.

"Morning," he says casually. I can tell he's just gotten out of the shower. His hair is damp and he's raking a comb through it, swiftly smoothing it back against his head. I groan and pull the blankets over my head. I don't want to see him. I don't want to face him after what I did last night and how he treated me yesterday. "Aren't you going to get ready to go to Hogsmeade?"

"No," I reply. "I can't go. I don't have the permission slip."

He pulls the blankets off of me and I glare at him. I'm sure I look extremely lovely right now. My hair is probably a mess. A quick feel confirms this. My eyes are probably watery and bloodshot. I don't want my hideousness being exposed to daylight. I just want to roll over and go back to sleep.

"You're seventeen. You don't need a permission slip, imbecile," he says, a bit scathingly. Then he smiles a bit. It's a secret sort of smile, the kind of smile that if you blink you'll miss. I don't miss it and I know he's remembering last night. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. "Besides, they don't really check the older students for permission slips anyway. It's a one time thing and usually they only check the third years."

"I don't want to go," I say simply. "I don't want to face anyone. I've got a horrible headache, I look like shit, and I feel like shit so therefore I must be shit." I don't say it but mainly I don't want to face him. What if I go and he ditches me? Where will I be then? I'm safer here.

"Shit or no, I was sort of hoping you'd accompany me." I stare at him for a moment, not quite sure how to interpret what he's just said. Was he asking me out on a date? Or is it just one of those "friend" things, if you can call what we have even a friendship. It's sort of awkward knowing that I'm so attracted to him but he doesn't feel the same towards me. It really puts a strain on things. I so desperately need answers from him because he's confusing me yet I don't want to ask him out right. It's hard to be a friend when you feel so differently. "I understand if you don't want to, I mean I did treat you pretty horribly yesterday."

I think that's as close to an apology as I'm going to get. His thin lips are pursed together and I know he's not going to say anything more on the matter. He wants an answer from me. I nod quickly and for a brief moment his face lights up, but he's scowling in a nanosecond but not as harshly as he normally does. I take this to be a good sign.

Twenty minutes later we're in the front hall, waiting for the front doors to open so we can leave. Teachers are calling for third years to gather separately from the rest of us. Most of them are clutching a piece of paper, looking excited, chatting animatedly with each other. Finally the front door opens and people begin to pour out. Aside from a few third years, Severus and I are one of the last few people to exit the school. It's quite nippy outside but I've come prepared. I've brought along a hooded shawl of my aunts. I found it helping her do laundry and I fell in love with it. She let me keep it. Now it's keeping me warm.

Severus and I don't say much to each other. My head is still pounding and I feel exhausted. The sky is grey and I wonder if it's going to rain. There's no sign that the sun is going to break through the clouds. I hope it stays gone. I don't think I can handle it right now. As we near the village, Severus says, "I want to show you something."

"What?"

"It's a surprise, but I think you'll like it," he says. When we reach the edge of the village and people begin to disappear into the main town. Severus grabs my hand and leads me down a row of houses with large front yards and seemingly infinite back yards. I can hear cows mooing and chickens clucking. It makes me slightly home sick for my aunt's farm but I say nothing. At the end of the lane, there's a small house with bunch stone statues sitting in the front. There's a large building behind the house that's bigger then the house. Severus leads me up the front walk way and knocks loudly on the door.

"This is where Demetrius Fargo lives," he tells me. I gape at him. We'd been doing a section on magical art history in History of magic and we'd learned about Demetrius Fargo. He's one of the greatest living magical artists. His statues are featured all over the world. There was one in one of the Museums in New York. I didn't know he was a wizard until last week. I was in love with the statue. It was a child holding a cat awkwardly carved out of marble. I could almost see the cat struggling to get out of the child's arms, and the child's gleeful expression always left me feeling hollow inside because I remember what it was like to be so blissfully unaware. It was so beautiful because it was so life like. And now as I look around the yard, I grow excited and I'm finding it hard to not throw my arms around Severus. Before I can, the door opens. A man with longish fussed hair answers, looking extremely grumpy. I can tell he's just woken up as he's dressed in his pajamas.

"I told you, I'm not taking them down," he says gruffly. "I'll have you know that you'll have to kill me first. Tell that woman with the nuisance dog down the street to stop peeing on them too." His eyes fall upon us and he flushes slightly. "Oh. Students. I forgot that it was a Hogsmeade weekend down at the school. City council has been on my case for years now, trying to get me take down my art. They say its clutter. But do come in. Coffee?" He doesn't stop to let us get a word in and moves aside so we can come in. The cottage is smaller than I'd thought. It's only one room and the inside is a mess. There are tools and dust everywhere. A dog that's lying on a small cot jumps up and starts barking at us though Demetrius hushes it in a gruff tone and grabs a couple of mugs hanging on a dusty cupboard. He hands us mugs of coffee which I am grateful for. However, I wipe the rim of mine with my sleeve before I drink. I can see that I'm not the only one that's hung over as well. There are empty wine bottles littered all over the place, especially near the bed.

"Mr. Fargo, we've been learning about you in History of Magic. I'd thought I'd bring Kelsey to meet you. She's a fan of your work." Demetrius turns and looks at me. I flush under his stare.

"I used to love the piece you have displayed in New York City," I say quietly.

"Ah, 'Contempt,' one of the only non magical pieces I did. They paid a good sum for it. I tried to talk them down but they wouldn't relent. But what's done is done. I don't get many visitors and I'm sorry the place is such a mess. How about we move out back to the workshop?"

His workshop turned out to be the huge building out back. Quite contrary to the cottage, the workshop appeared to be much larger on the inside then on the outside. It's also much dustier inside and I feel my eyes start to swell and tear up because of the dust, but I don't mind. There are large blocks of stone sitting against the wall. There are also smaller blocks sitting on shelves along with smaller statues. Demetrius explains the process of it all to us and I'm fascinated. He even shows me and lets me start to chip away on a block of stone. He tells me I'm a natural but I know he's just humoring me.

"You come back after you graduate, Missy, and I'll teach you."

I know he's just teasing me but I'm flattered anyway. Severus and I examine his sketch books of future works and I'm amazed at some of them. The intricacy of the drawings is phenomenal and I know that they'll look much more amazing once they're carved.

I spot a statue of a cat and I have to smile. It reminds me of when Betty first arrived at Aunt Rosie's farm. The cat is in pouncing position, its eyes narrowed and its hind legs wiggling. If it weren't a statue, I'd think it was about to attack me. I reach out and touch it, almost afraid I'm going to interrupt it's stance but it stays still. Severus takes it off the shelf and examines it. He finally looks up.

"How much do you want for this one, Mr. Fargo?"

Demetrius frowns at him and says, "It's not for sale."

"I want to buy it. For her."

I'm surprised and I immediately begin to protest. I don't feel comfortable with him buying me things, especially works of art. I'd gotten the impression that Severus didn't have a lot of money. I try to protest but Severus ignores me when I tell him not to do it. Demetrius sighs.

"Alright, forty galleons, but don't tell anyone. I don't want people banging on my door demanding to let me sell them my work. I'm not an open shop." I don't think Severus is going to be able to afford it so I'm relieved but I'm surprised when he pulls out a satchel and hands Demetrius the gold. Demetrius tells me he'll have it sent up to Hogwarts and we leave. As we walk down the lane once more, I'm a bit angry.

"Why did you do that?" I ask. "It's obvious he doesn't like selling his work to just anyone. Those figurines are part of him. He made them. Those are his life."

"He sold it to me, didn't he?" Severus snaps.

"That's beside the point, Severus! I don't want you buying me things. I don't even know you for god sake!" I'm angry at him and I don't know why. I've never been comfortable with any one buying me anything. I wouldn't let Robert do something like that and I certainly won't let Severus. He stops and faces me, a cruel smile playing on his lips. I know what he's about to say. I know what he's about to bring up and I glare at him, my wand clutched in my hand, ready to curse him if he says what I know he's going to. His smile fades, and I ease up.

"It's something I wanted to do. I earned that money and I can spend how I want on whom ever I want. If you don't want the damn thing then fine, I'll give it to some one else." Through my headache, I can feel tears begin to build up in my eyes. What is it about this boy that makes me want to cry? I never cry. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Maybe he doesn't know that he's hurting my feelings. Maybe he does and just doesn't care. I feel like a fool, thinking that he could possibly like me. I want to scream and rage at him but all I can do is look at my feet as the tears begin to fall. I feel so weak. He touches my shoulder and I push him away.

"Don't," I tell him, trying to use my normal voice but my voice is high pitched and wavering as the salty drops begin to fall more frequently. I want to be alone but I know with out him, I'm lost. I shouldn't have come with him. I should have stood my ground. I could have avoided this. I could have avoiding standing in the middle of a deserted street, crying like an idiot in front of a boy whom I feel very attracted to.

"Kelso," he says. I look up at him sharply. This is the first time he's called me that. I don't know how he knows that's my nickname. The only one who knows that is James and he and James talking doesn't seem likely. He seems to realize what he's said and his eyes dart around suspiciously.

"How did you know?" I ask hoarsely. I wipe the tears from eyes.

"Lucky guess," he mumbles and begins to kick up dirt from the road. I know he's lying. He won't look at me.

"Bullshit, Severus. How did you find out?"

Severus looks up at me, annoyed, brushing his hair out of his face. He's scowling deeply but I want an answer. He looks like he's about to say something, something mean, but I intensify the power of my eyes. His resolve seems to melt. "You'll just get angry."

"Tell me!" I shriek at him, frustrated. I want to know how he's been able to know such things about me.

"Last night… I used Legilimency…I'm not very good at it but I saw…I saw enough."

We had been learning about Legilimency in Defense Against the Dark Arts. I know what it is and I feel horribly violated and betrayed. Suddenly I want him out of my sight. I feel my body to start to quake, I'm so enraged.

"How could you?" I whisper. "Why would you do such a horrible thing to me?" He seems affronted by my tone and my reaction. I know this will not end pretty. He's warned me about the Gryffindors and how untrustworthy they are but so far it's been the Slytherins treating me like I'm worthless and Severus is no exception. He's such a hypocrite.

"I know it was wrong but I had to," he says in a firm tone. "I had to figure out what was going on in that brain of yours. You make it seem like I'm a horrible sadistic person who breaks into people's minds for my own sick pleasure!"

"You said it, not me," I can't help but snarl at him. I feel my anger reaching its climax. A sudden rush of adrenaline pushes my headache away completely and a dozen horrible things to say to him pop into my mouth, ready to spew from my lips.

"You scream in your sleep," he says. "You scream about your father. I climbed into your bed and comforted you. I had to know what was going on!"

This revelation sends my thoughts into a million different directions. What had I said in my sleep that made him so curious? Did I even want to know? Was this the reason the Slytherin girls kicked me out? How come he never told me? But my anger only rises even more. I charge after him, ready to throttle him. A primitive growl escapes my throat as I throw my arm up and start to swipe at him furiously. He's throwing his arms in front of him, groping for his wand, but before he can grab it, the side of my hand connects with his nose and he's sent staggering to the ground, falling on his behind. I'm brought to my senses by the sight of blood. I'm horrified but satisfied at the same time.

"Those were my personal thoughts!" I scream down at him, through my tears of rage. They don't bother me like they normally do. I know that they are justified. "You had no right to look at them! You had no right at all!"

He looks up at me, his face stained with blood. There are tears washing lines through the red and I back away from him. There's so much open space but yet no where to run. It's a shock to see him crying. I know he's not crying from the pain. I know that he knows. My heart begins to beat wildly in my chest and horrible flashes of that moment the light left my father's eyes passes in my minds eye. My head feels light and the world starts spinning. I bend slightly, cringing as a horrible pain hits me in the stomach.

"I know he's dead. I know how he died and I know that you saw it happen. I saw it too."

I can feel my self scream but I can't hear it. Everything has been slowed down by a million seconds. I see flashes of red, blue, pink, yellow and then everything starts to fade to black as I shove my fist in my mouth and bite down hard on it so I can't scream any more. There is just no sound in the world that can express how I feel at this moment. I feel my knees start to sink but I never feel myself hitting the ground.

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**Well, sorry for making you all wait so long for an update, that was not my intention, I promise. I sort of moved in with my boyfriend about a month ago and have only recently been able to get my computer over here. However, I am here now with more chapters to come. So any words of wisdom, advice, sharing thoughts on some of the points I've brought up with this story is welcome. That is sort of why I wrote this story to begin with. I like to write things that get the brain to whirring and what not. Any way, review because depending on the reviews I get is about how often I update. I'm not holding that over any one, but if I get a great enough demand I will post more and if not I will post at my own pace as I get closer to finishing. **

**Oh and I'm getting married. Huzzah! Just thought I'd share I happy moment :P. **


	5. Chapter 5

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_When your life turns fashion  
Here comes love  
You watch the people cash in  
Here comes love  
He leaves you tired and scratching  
There goes love  
Gorgeous prick he's smashing-_

**_H/C- Scarling._**

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**Chapter Five**

For a while, I am nothing. I'm aware of myself, but I'm not there anymore. I cannot think, I cannot speak but it doesn't bother me one bit. If this is what death is like then I no longer fear it. Bliss is always been so unfathomable, but right now it's perfectly viable. Feeling nothing is bliss. Feeling everything is hell, a hell I'm all too familiar with.

It doesn't last long. Once I become aware that I am nothing, that I don't belong anywhere any more, that I have no home but am not homeless, I wake up. I know I'm not dead, but the thought flits about my head as everything is dark. I feel some one stirring next to me. I become aware of the fact that some one is lying next to me and that they have their hand on my chest. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I can make out the sleeping figure next to me. I'm not surprised that it's Severus.

I feel so drained of energy that I can no longer be mad at him. I've been through hell. He has gone through hell with me, as me. He's the only person in this world who knows what I've been through. I remember the tears that he shed before I blacked out. Those were my tears once too. That was my pain, my anguish running down his cheeks. I've never felt so close to any one in my life as I do to him. It was he who violated me but I feel as though I've debased him by seeing what I saw. I could never predict he'd do what he did, but I feel better now that some one knows.

His fingers flinch slightly. I freeze when I realize that his hand isn't there for sexual reasons. His palm is settled flat right above my left breast. He's been feeling for my heart beat. I look down at his face. His eyeballs are flitting beneath the lids and I know he's about to wake up. I gently grab his hand from my chest and hold it up, examining it. I place my other hand ever so lightly on it, comparing the size. It feels so right. I feel foggy ecstasy wash over me when our skin makes contact. We're kindred spirits. I've never been as aware of my soul as I am now. Our hands feel so right placed next to each other, like a puzzle I am startled when his fingers begin to lace through the spaces between mine. His finger tips brush my knuckles.

"Do you feel it," I whisper, my voice rough with sleep.

"I'm not sure," his voice says. His voice is different from what I've heard from him. It's scared and almost childlike. I can feel his body trembling. Even though he says he doesn't know, I know he's feeling it. It's almost as though our souls are embracing each other as we maintain contact. The feeling is too overwhelming to ignore. I look at him but he's staring at our hands, his eyes wide with curiosity and wonder. He pulls his hand away from mine and for a few seconds I feel cold. But now I can think clearly.

"What time is it?" I ask as I sit up a little. Severus lights his wand and looks at his watch.

"It's nearly midnight. You've been out since about eleven this morning."

"How's your nose?" I ask. I'm embarrassed about the whole incident but I'm not sorry that it happened.

"I was able to doctor it with out any problems," he says as he sits up. He props himself up on one elbow and rest his palm under his chin. He's looking at me with a slight smile on his face. "You, on the other hand, hit your head pretty hard. You scared me."

"I'm sorry," I whisper but smile at him. He seems to be relieved that I'm not being a total psycho like I was earlier. I'm grateful he isn't avoiding me all together now. He's the closest thing to a friend that I have. "I overreacted. Forgive me?"

"Sure. You forgive me right?"

I nod and say, "I just wish you told me about what had been going on."

"I didn't want to upset you. Clearly I was bound to lose anyway."

I don't know what to say to this. The poor guy was probably ripping his hair out, trying to figure me out. It touched me that he cared enough to investigate. I feel as though I owe him something.

"Severus," I suddenly blurt. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to not think about what you're going to say. Some things are better left not thought about. "I really like you. I don't know what it is about you that makes me like you. And I know that sounds incredibly stupid and I know how you feel about…that…sort of thing."

"I know you do. But it'd be wise to just forget about it."

I am completely mortified now. I've never been scared of rejection. Now is no exception either. It doesn't mean that I like it but it does not scare me. I just wished I hadn't said anything to him.

"I'm sorry," I tell him. "I mean, I guess I always knew that I'd never have a chance."

"It's not that I don't like you," he begins. I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes. I've heard it all before. "You don't know me. I'd only end up hurting you."

"You're hurting me now," I state with a sad smile. He reaches out and touches my cheek. I feel special because I know that I'm the only one who has really ever seen this side of him. This is the real Severus. He has many faces but I know this is really him.

"I just can't do that to you, I'm sorry. It would never work."

I lean in and kiss him on the mouth. I wrap my arms around his torso and hold him close to me. I hold on so dearly to that connection that I feel with him because it's all I really have at that moment. I don't have him but I'm safe in his arms. I know he likes me like I like him. I just wish he would admit it to himself.

October flies into the past and so does November. I wake up one morning and find snow on the ground. It's Tuesday and my first class of the day is Herbology. Severus informs me that Herbology has been canceled for the day and that first period is free. I take my time getting out of bed.

Over the past couple of months, Severus and I grew almost to be inseparable. Rumors were going around that we were a couple and neither of us did anything to debunk it. Some nights, he snuck into my bed and other nights I climbed into his. We were never far apart.

Even though he says we can't be together, it doesn't stop him from holding my hand when ever he thinks I'm asleep. It doesn't stop me from running my hands up and down his body when ever I think he's asleep. Some mornings I will wake up to him running a finger lightly down my arms, sending goose bumps down my spine.

He says he doesn't want to hurt me but I still sneak kisses from him when ever he least expects it. It catches him by surprise sometimes and other times it's like he's waiting for me to press my lips against his.

I walk into the bathroom with my towel in my hand and all of my toiletries. It's safe to take a shower because the other three boys have already gone down to breakfast. This bathroom is different than the one in the girls' dorm. The showers aren't separated by stalls and there is absolutely no privacy. To my surprise, Severus is running himself a bath and I turn to leave but he stops me.

"I've just had a wicked idea," he says. I turn around again and he's pulling his shirt off. His skin is so white it nearly blinds me. I can't help but giggle a little. He seems embarrassed for a moment but I press my lips together and try not to smile. "Come take a bubble bath with me."

I gape at him. It's not like Severus to suggest such a thing.

"Are you crazy?" I ask him. He has to be joking because the Severus I know would have already demanded that I leave. But something tells me he's not, especially when he comes and pulls me by the arm over to the steaming hot bath. It's so cold down in the dungeons that the steam coming from the water looks extremely inviting. I shiver involuntarily. Severus is removing my pajamas and before I know it, I'm stark naked. What's odd is that Severus doesn't look at my naked body but rather continues to undress himself. He doesn't even take a glance below my neck when he helps me into the tub and then slides in behind me. I've never been so aware of his presence and I feel very uncomfortable knowing that he's naked and that our bare skin is touching. The water, however, is warm and relaxing and my tension slowly slides away.

"Why?" I ask looking up at him. I rest my head on his shoulder and wait for him to answer. He places his arms on the edge of the tub and stretches his legs, letting the water mold us into a comfy position.

"Since no one else is here, we can get away with it," he says. I grin. We've been getting away with so much it's a wonder we haven't been caught. That's one of the perks of being invisible. "But…"

"But…"I repeat playfully. I lift my leg from the water slowly letting the water fall from it and then submerge it again. "Out with it Severus. I want to know why I'm being buttered up like this."

"I'm not buttering you up," he tells me as he begins to rub my shoulders. I scoff mockingly and look up at him. He's looking down at me with that look in his eye. The look is something that I cherish. I only catch him giving it to me every once in a while but it's one of the best gifts he can give me. "Fine. I wanted to ask you something."

"What do you want from me? I haven't got any money, you know."

"No, not that, moron. Slughorn is having a Christmas party on Christmas Eve and I got an invitation yesterday. It's sort of exclusive but I can invite any one to go with me. I wanted to know if you'd like to go with me."

"Seriously?" I'm frowning because he's told me he doesn't want to be with me, but he confuses me so. Even though publically we're not together, when we're alone, we're more than just friends. How would you explain the bubble bath if we were just friends? "I thought you said…"

"I know what I said. But everyone thinks we're…you know…anyway so it's not like it'd be a huge surprise if we showed up at a party together. And it doesn't mean that we have to go as boyfriend and girlfriend either."

"I was planning on going to my aunts…my mother…" I trail off. Severus knows the situation with my mother but we don't talk about it much. I want to see her, I want to make sure she's okay; I want to assure her that I can be normal.

"You can change your plans can't you? I really want you to go with me. I want you to adjust."

"I'll think about it."

"I've never asked you for anything. Do me this favor and I won't ask anything from you ever again," he says. His tone is worried and panicked.

"I'm sure you will," I say. "But alright. I guess I can write my aunt…"

What he does next catches me by surprise. He bends down ever so slightly like he's about to kiss me but he seems to think better of it. It saddens me but that one little gesture tells me more than was meant to be read from it.

Later that day, in potions, Slughorn passes around a sheet of parchment to all the Slytherins. We're to either sign it if we're going to stay at the school during the holiday or pass it along to the next person if we aren't. I sign it briskly and Severus signs underneath my name and I pass it to the next person. My plans are set now and all I have to do is write Aunt Rosie and tell her about my change of plans. She'll be disappointed of course, but she'll be happy that I'm adjusting so well, so it won't be that big of a deal.

After potions, Severus hangs back to talk to Professor Slughorn and waves me on to go ahead with out him. It's an hour until supper time so I stop into one of the rest rooms and do my business. When I exit the stall, I find Laura Mayhew perched on top of one of the sinks, reapplying her make up. I look around, expecting to see the other Slytherin girls, but she's all by her self. I cautiously approach the sink and roll my sleeves up, hoping she'll continue to ignore my presence.

"You and Snape seem to be getting along pretty well," she says as she smacks her lips together. I shrug but say nothing. It's none of her business. "I just wanted to let you know that he and my little sister have a thing going on. It's an on again off again sort of affair, they've been carrying on since her third year, when we were in fifth."

I turn slowly and glare at her. "Your point being?"

The tone of my voice shocks me. I've never heard my self so cold towards some one else but this girl sitting on the sink, winking at herself was a nasty piece of work and I know she's only trying to get my blood boiling. It's working.

"It's obvious you like him, and I sympathize and all, but he's not going to drop Courtney for a muggleborn. They're both pureblooded and we try to stick together." She turns and looks at me. A nasty smile is plastered across her face. "I'm only telling you this because I don't want to see you hurt. It would be an awful shame…"

I can't take any more of what she's telling me. I want to choke her. I don't know if what she's saying is true but one fact is painfully clear; she's not trying to help me but she's trying to hurt me. I pick my bag off the floor and as I pass her, I accidentally on purpose knock into her with my shoulder. As the door shuts behind me, I can hear her giggling up a storm.

When I get down to supper, she's sitting across from Severus and there's a petite girl sitting where I normally sit, next to him. My jaw clenches as I sit on the opposite side of him. He seems annoyed and isn't saying much. I glare at Laura as I sit down. She's smiling falsely up at me and there is a malicious glint in her eye as she says, "Oh hello, Kelsey. This is my sister, Courtney."

I roll my eyes and keep my mouth shut for fear I might say something that would get me into a load of trouble. Laura is prattling on about something but I'm not really listening. I'm picking at my food, not really eating, trying to drown her relentless chattering. What she's saying is of no importance to me but it isn't until she mentions the Christmas Party that I really start to listen.

"So, Severus, have you been invited to the Slugclub annual Christmas Party?"

"Aren't I always?" He says, lifting his eyebrow up at her. I'm suddenly aware of the girl sitting on the other side of Severus. I sneak a glance at her and see that she's a smaller, darker mold of her sister. She's very pretty, I'll admit, but if she's anything like her sister, I don't see Severus liking her like Laura says he does.

"Are you taking any one? Courtney here was just telling me how she's hoping some one will invite her. I'd take her myself but I find it's best to let them leave the nest sometime!" She lets out a giggle and dabs at her mouth daintily with a napkin. Severus gawks at her for a second and then turns to the girl sitting next to him, as though he's just noticing her for the first time. It's then that I know what Laura told me was a lie. I know she's trying to hurt me because she's not watching Severus for a reaction, she's watching me instead.

Severus doesn't answer. He stands up and says, "I'm sorry but I've just remembered that I've got homework to do." He turns on one heel and takes off. Laura looks at her little sister and nods her head. Her little sister looks uncertain but Laura gives her a look. Courtney stands and follows Severus. I begin to panic, wondering what on earth she was going to say to Severus, but Laura starts asking me questions and I can't leave. I feel lost and worried. What if Laura said is true? I decide it's best to stay here, to prove that I'm strong, that I'm independent but inside my mind, I'm screaming.

---

Severus crawls into Kelsey's bed that night a troubled young man. He knew that when Laura Mayhew approached him at supper and kept hinting that she wanted him to say something to her little sister that he was in trouble. What was even worse was that her little sister, Courtney was her name, had followed him when he left.

He isn't sure how it happened or how he was going to get out of this one. One minute Courtney had been batting her eyelashes at him, the next minute she was down on her knees in a deserted bathroom, pleasuring him with her mouth. Somewhere between then, he'd agreed to take her to Slughorn's Christmas party, the party he'd already asked Kelso to go to with him.

Courtney will be good for his image. She's pureblooded and rich, something he was supposed to go after. She didn't have much in the brain department but Merlin help him she was good with her mouth. He starts to think that there will be many important people there at the party, people who have connections to the real power in the wizarding community, and Courtney would look much better on his arm then Kelsey would.

But how will he tell her? He likes her. He wants to be with her but he can't bring himself to tell her. He hates himself. He hates himself because all he cares about is image. He's turning into a fake person. Kelsey won't appreciate it. She'll never speak to him again….just like Lily…

Severus looks down at Kelsey who's smacking her lips gently. She opens one eye and grins at him.

"Didn't get into to much trouble, I hope?" She snuggles against his chest. He can't bring himself to tell her what had happened. She's too happy. He doesn't want to ruin that for her. For now, he'd leave her be but sooner or later…

---

I sit with my back pressed against a wall, bouncing a ball on the opposite wall. Tasha gave it to me for my birthday when I turned eleven; its golf ball painted pink and blue with a bouncing charm on it. The paint is peeling from it after all the years of bouncing it around, but I don't care. It always comes back to me, no matter what. Betty is sitting next to me, following the ball with her eyes, but never trying to catch it.

Everyone has gone home. It's Christmas Eve and I feel lonely. I don't want to talk to any one but I don't want to be alone. Severus approached me last night and told me he couldn't take me to the Christmas party like he wanted. Big surprise, he's taking Courtney Mayhew instead. She'll probably be in her room now, getting ready. It should be me getting ready.

I'm hurt. If he wasn't going to take me, I could have gone home instead of sitting here feeling bad about myself. He should have told me sooner and I told him so. He just gave me this hurt look like I was the one who was dumping him for some one who was more socially acceptable. I slept out in the common room last night.

I hear footsteps and voices coming down the corridor and I look up. James Potter and Lily Evans are walking hand in hand towards me. I want to get up before they see me, but no such luck. Lily sees me and rushes over. James follows after her at a slower pace.

"What are you doing?" She says and sits next to me. James sits down on my other side and I'm completely enclosed. Betty hops in James' lap and James makes a face but pets her any way. "How come you didn't go home?"

I look at Lily and raise an eyebrow at her. I don't really want to talk about it, but she looks concerned. I roll my eyes and pull Betty off of James. She squirms in my arms, protesting. I let her go and she runs down the hall way and out of sight.

"Well," I say. I might as well tell her. "I was invited to Slughorn's party but yesterday I got replaced by some one whom isn't muggle born." When I say it, I get angry. I'm hurt and confused. I was numb to it until just now. But saying those words tore the scab right open again.

"Who did that to you?" Lily asks with her eyebrows furrowed together. She looks up at James and James shrugs at her. I tell them everything beginning to end. When I'm finished, Lily looks angry and James is shaking his head slowly.

"Laura Mayhew told you that purebloods like to stick together?" Lily asks looking bewildered. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"It's true though," James says. "But Laura is a halfwit. Snape isn't pureblooded."

I look at James, surprised. He shrugs and Lily says, "His dad is a muggle. I live a few blocks away from him." He's never told me any of this before. Before now, I'd always thought he was as pureblooded as every other Slytherin. The fact that he lives a few blocks away from Lily Evans doesn't even begin to register because everything else is clicking together, like a puzzle. He doesn't want to be seen with me because he wants every one to think he's pureblooded. But why did he ask me first? I don't understand.

"I don't think Padfoot has a date yet. I think he's going stag," James says. He's looking at Lily, obviously hinting at something. I don't know who Padfoot is, I only presume he's a friend, a friend whom they're trying to pair me off with, as though it would help me get over Severus in an instant.

"I thought he was going with Prunella?"

"What? No! She's been trying to get him to ask her but he hasn't yet. He thinks she has head lice or something."

"Oh he's awful. Prunella is nice…"

"Listen," I interrupt. "I appreciate what you're trying to do for me, but I'm fine. A little put off but I'll be okay." I stand and so does James. He helps Lily to her feet and Lily gives me a hug. I'm a bit surprised by it but she wishes me a merry Christmas. She and James are going to be late to the party. It seems that everyone except for me is going. I head to the common room, hoping that everyone has left already. No such luck. I run into Severus in the common room. I keep my face stony and emotionless as I sit down on the sofa and stare into the fire. He's waiting on Courtney. I can feel his eyes on me but I don't look at him. Finally Courtney emerges and I look at Severus for the first time. Courtney approaches him and kisses him on the cheek. I raise an eyebrow at him and shake my head as I pick up a book some one has left sitting out. They leave and I settle down and begin to read. It's some sappy romance novel and I get half way through before I feel my eyelids begin to droop. I can't help it, I'm sleepy. It's nearly midnight. I drift off to sleep. It doesn't seem like I'm sleeping but I guess I am because when I open my eyes, Severus is standing over me, whispering my name. I sit up and look at my watch. It's twelve thirty. He sits down heavily next to me.

"Where's Courtney," I ask him. He throws me a dirty look and turns and stares into the fire. "You ditched her didn't you?" I almost sound too gleeful and I'm dancing for joy inside. As if on cue, some one enters the common room and its Courtney, looking very flustered. I can feel Severus shrinking beside me, trying to hide from her. Courtney spots me and frowns.

"Has Severus come through here yet?"

I open my mouth and am about to tell her no, that I haven't seen him when I feel like I'm being hit over the head. I'm not that one that got him into this. He did this to himself. Why should I have to lie for him? I remember that I'm nothing to him. I'm disposable. I'm just a distraction until something better comes along.

"He's right here, trying to hide from you," I say. Severus punches me in the thigh. I almost laugh when Courtney's face crumples, looking confused. This is too much fun. It's just too easy. Severus sits up and faces her. I have to admit that she is very pretty. She's got such shiny dark brown hair. The two sizes too small dress she could have done away with. It just makes her seem even more like a little kid who's desperate for approval. No doubt her big sister picked the dress out for her. I almost feel bad for her. Almost. I can tell that she really does like Severus because she looks like she's about to start crying. Her sister had pushed her into this and it's her sister who's causing her this pain. She bites her lower lip and her eyes become glittery with tears. Now I feel bad.

"…Perhaps Laura didn't tell you that I'm his girlfriend." The lies start spewing from my mouth and I can see Severus tensing at my words. I am going to talk his way out of this, so he'd better be damn grateful. "He told me how much you wanted to go to the party with him so I told him to take you. I didn't want to go anyway."

There, now, her face brightens some but not much. Some small part of me takes joy in it but I feel guilty as well. I know how she feels and I'm not sure how much she actually wants to do with Severus. She thinks he's pureblooded, which he isn't. She thinks he's rich but he's not. I have no doubt in my mind that Severus is intelligent enough to make his own fortune. The problem with all of this is that Courtney wants him for all the wrong reasons. I'm not sure if mine are justified or not, but I know Severus better than any one else in Slytherin. No one else but me sees the side of him that drags me into the bathtub with him. No one sees that but me. It makes me feel wonderful and wanted but I'm still not sure if I'm ready to forgive him for blowing me off for some one with more money, some one who is prettier than I am and some one who has a very rich bloodline.

"Well," Courtney says, squaring her shoulders and looking straight at me. "When you decide that she's not worth your time any more, I'll be waiting." She stalks off towards the dorms and disappears. After she's gone I turn to Severus. I want him to apologize to me but he won't.

"Well," he says and licks his lips. "I guess that could've been much worse." I nod my head in agreement. "If I had known she'd be such a pain I wouldn't have taken her in the first place."

"You wanna sleep out here tonight?" I ask as the idea pops into my head. "It will be fun, sort of like camping only cozier." It's cold tonight, and all though Severus usually keeps me warm, I find that being right by the fireplace is a soothing location. The dull roar fills in the quiet with out being disruptive and the monotony of it makes me sleepy.

"Sure," he says. I withdraw my wand from my pocket and point in the direction of the common room. Soon, pillows and blankets come floating towards us before they drop them selves over our head. We arrange the pillows and blankets how we want them. "I should probably change."

For the first time I notice that he's wearing semi formal robes made of navy blue material. He looks a bit stuffy and uncomfortable, so I wave my wand and he's in a pair of striped pajamas. We snuggle underneath the blankets and face each other. He won't look me in the eye, rather he begins to toy with the corner of the blanket, bunching it in his fist and then releasing it and bunching it again.

"I'm not mad," I say finally. I'm hurt, mainly but I'm not angry. He chooses to be with me here and now instead of with her. It's not like we're an official couple any way. He's free to do as he chooses. But some how I know that no matter what happens, he'll always end up coming back to me.

"No," he breathes. "But that doesn't stop me from feeling horrid." He sits up and stares intensely at me. His eyebrows are puckered making him look like a cruel raven with his black hair and sharp nose. "I told you. I told you that you should just forget about me because I can only hurt you. Didn't I tell you?"

"You tell me a lot of things," I reason. "But that doesn't mean I have to listen. I know I'm pathetic but I can't just stop liking you at the drop of a hat. It doesn't work that way."

"As I'm perfectly aware," he mutters. "At any rate, I got you something for Christmas. Well a couple of things actually." Before I can protest, he's got his wand pointing in the direction of the dorm and two parcels zoom out and drop gently on my lap. I eye them cautiously, not wanting to open them but I can't rightly refuse to. Both packages are wrapped in plain brown paper and held together with twine, though one is soft, light and oblong while the other is heavier and has a more defined shape. "Open the smaller one," he tells me. I pick up the soft package squeeze it slightly. I can tell it's made from cloth but what it is I'm not sure. I carefully slip my finger under the coarse dirty looking string and lift it slightly. The knot gives way easily and the package falls apart. What I see first is a bunch of black yarn knitted together. I slowly lift it and unveil it to find that it's a scarf and that my name has been embroidered in red curly letters on one end of it.

"Oh Severus," I whisper as I finger the stitches on the letters gently. "It's gorgeous." I wrap it around my neck and look up at him. He's staring at me blankly as he points to the other package. It turns out to be a journal of some sort. The cover is made from some sort of plastic but what really catches my eye is the fact that there are a plethora of dark colors swirling about on it. I open it and flip through the pages, only to find that most of them are blank, except for the first page. There's a note written in Severus' tiny cramped handwriting.

_Kelsey, _

_I know that you like to draw and I thought that you might like this. I'm really sorry I've been such an ass to you so consider this the standard begging for forgiveness jerk gift. _

_Severus. _

I can't help but smile at this. No one can read me like he does. No one else has ever been thoughtful enough to get me a gift that I can actually use. Not even my father. I know he's been watching me. He knows I like to doodle on the back of my homework and on the edges of my notes. He knows me and it comforts me to know that at least some one gets me. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't even notice him scooting closer to me. As soon as I look up, we're nearly touching noses. He pushes a lock of hair from my face and brings his mouth to mine. Sure, I've kissed him many times, but it was always friendly and meant to keep him on his toes. Never once has he kissed me like he's kissing me now. I'm in heaven. Now I realize I must love this boy.

* * *

**I have agonized over the story. The notion of the nature of this story makes me cringe because I know I'm crossing a very fine line here. I think I'm doing okay and I really do enjoy writing this story. Point is, I'm a fan of Pottersues on Livejournal and the more I write the more I see that this is very much Pottersues material but I've gotten to the point where I really don't care anymore. If I have faith in this story and I enjoy writing it and sharing it, what difference should it make? I know everyone is not going to like it.**

**But if you do like it, please review. That's the best gift anyone could give.**

**If you don't like it or think it needs improvement, I urge you to review anyway. **

**If you're going to flame me, well then don't be a fucking pussy and do it signed in. If you're going to flame my shit then I think that I have every right to go through and read your shit. Tit or tat, if you catch my meaning. Unless you know deep down that your stuff is worse than mine and therefore are making up for some sort of deficiency you have. If that's the case, I pity you.  
**


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

_No change, I can change  
I can change, I can change  
But I'm here in my mold  
I am here in my mold  
But I'm a million different people  
from one day to the next  
I can't change my mold  
No, no, no, no, no-_

_**Bittersweet Symphony- The Verve**_

_**

* * *

**_**Chapter 6**

Love is something I always considered unreal or at least unreachable. Sure I liked Robert a lot but I don't think I ever loved him. I never tried to fool my self into thinking that I did. I figured if love was real, it would take me by surprise, like that exhilarating rush of adrenaline you get when you jump off of a very tall diving board. When you're about to jump, you look down and it seems like there is miles of space between you and the water and when you finally pluck up the courage and jump, it doesn't take long to hit the water. When you get out and view the diving board from afar, it doesn't seem nearly as big as it did when you were uncertain and scared.

Loving Severus, now, I realize isn't that big of a leap. I'd been plucking up the courage and when I finally took the plunge, it really wasn't all that bad. I like the way it feels to look at him and feel like there is something weighing down on my chest. It isn't comfortable, but it's enlivening.

It's Christmas, and I've woken up to find a few parcels stacked near my feet. I sit up slowly and rub my eyes. What's in those packages doesn't seem nearly as important as the boy snoring loudly next to me. I don't ever want to leave his side, I want to stay like this forever, but I know I have to get up. So I slowly stand and climb on top of the couch. My absence lulls Severus from his sleep. I watch as his eyes flutter open and search for the missing piece.

"Hey," I whisper. I'm smiling because he's looking up at me and smiling back.

"Hey," he repeats back at me. There's a smaller pile of presents lying neatly near his feet and he sits up and picks up one and examines it closely. I grab one of mine and we both open ours one by one, comparing and joking. My grandparents have sent me a new set of clothes to wear and my mother has sent me a quilt. Aunt Rosie has sent me money along with a note promising more to come. I don't get much more, a few more pairs of clothes, a new set of pajamas. Finally I open the last one to find it stuffed with nothing but a wad of tissue paper. I frown, wondering who sent me this, thinking it's a joke. I'm about to throw it into the fireplace when the fire suddenly flashes green and some one emerges. I jump in the air, startled.

A tall, dark skinned girl is coughing and dusting herself off. I gape at her silently. I know who sent the empty package because she is standing right in front of me, looking around and grinning.

"Tasha," I squeak. I jump up and pull her into a spine crushing hug. I nearly start to cry. I hadn't realized I miss her as much as I do. Finally, after the shock of her being here, I manage to talk. "How on earth did you get here?"

"This is my Christmas. My parents paid for a round trip, I've been staying at your aunts for the past couple of days." It startles me to hear her New York accent especially since I've been around Europeans for the past few months. It's sort of rough on my ears, but it brings on a wave of homesickness that I'd never thought I'd feel. "We thought you were coming home, but when you wrote and said you weren't, Rosie pulled a few strings. The Headmaster said I could stay for a couple of days. You know, you really are lucky. This is supposed to be one of the best schools in Europe." She's glancing around the common room, her eyes sort of misty with wonder. I see Severus stand up cautiously from the corner of my eye.

"Oh," I say. Tasha turns her attention back towards me and then she notices Severus. "This is Severus, my friend." Severus nods in her direction.

"I'm Tasha Yarbrough," she tells him. "I used to go to school with Kelsey in New York."

"I know, she's told me," Severus says. They stare each other down for a moment until Severus excuses himself. On his way out, he squeezes my shoulder. The butterflies that seem to live in my stomach begin wake up again. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. Tasha makes herself comfortable on the couch and I sit down next to her.

"So," she says with an eyebrow raised. "He's just a friend." She nods her head in the direction that Severus had walked in.

"Yeah," I say with a shrug. "He's been showing me around."

"Now, I know that I'm not exactly an expert or anything, but it looks like you slept out here last night, and it doesn't look like you were alone." Tasha glances meaningfully down at the rumpled blankets on the floor. I shrug again.

"How's everyone?" I ask her, trying to change the subject. It's not that I like keeping things from her, it's just I'd rather not talk about Severus with her. I'm just glad she's here and she's not acting like she did after Dad died. It's like the old days, only in a different place.

"Everyone as in everyone? I can't speak for everyone in New York, you know. You mean Robert right?"

"Yeah," I say, blushing slightly. The letters from Robert had eventually stopped coming and I only assume that he's moving on with his life.

"Well, I don't really know. We don't talk much any more. I mean, we really don't have a reason, with you gone and all. I think…I think he's found some one else," she says. She's eying me cautiously, treading slowly, and trying not to upset me. I'm a bit surprised at this piece of information though I am relieved. "I see him every so often, but he's always with a group of friends. He always asks about you though. He asks me if you've found a new boyfriend here. I think I can tell him yes on that one."

"Severus isn't my boyfriend, Tasha," I say. However, as I say it, I grin widely. I know I'm just giving my self away, but Severus isn't my boyfriend. I'm not even sure if I want him to be my boyfriend. He doesn't seem like the type I'd get to call a boyfriend. He's beyond that.

"I'm not stupid, white girl," Tasha teases. I stick my tongue out at her and she picks up a pillow from the floor and hurls it at me. I think this is the happiest day of my life, as of yet.

_**---**_

Severus watches as the two girls chat in the common room later that evening. He's peeking around a corner, waiting for the black girl to get up and leave for a moment so he can talk to Kelsey. No such luck however. They keep talking to each other in some incomprehensible girl language that Severus doesn't understand. All he knows that he's annoyed, though he isn't quite sure why.

He wants to kiss her again. He wants to feel the way he did last night when he knew he surprised her, when he knew he'd made her happy. Severus isn't sure if he should continue on with Kelsey or not. He likes her, he really likes her in fact, and he knows that when ever she's around that he feels much lighter then he did beforehand.

The future is the problem. The things he wants to do, the things he wants to accomplish does not include her. She'd never fit in with the people that will make him powerful and rich, like he is destined to be. He's a smart guy, he's aware of this, and he has ambitions. But yet, when ever he's with her, he has a different set of ambitions. He's torn in two, because of her, because she interrupted what he had planned for himself. He resents her for that but it doesn't last long because she makes him happy. He's so used to being miserable that he's forgotten what it's like to be happy. He's not sure if he likes it or not.

Kelsey isn't like most girls. Kelsey knows what it is to suffer. It's something they both share, a common ground. He knows that she feels safe with him and he takes pride in it.

But she still does not fit in.

Kelsey is standing, and Severus feels his heart start to race when he sees what she's wearing. It's a lacy little number that shows off so much of her body but yet so little. It hugs her hips comfortably and flows around her legs, moving so freely as she strides across the common room, towards him. He backs away from the shadow and slinks off down the hall way towards the dorm rooms. He's sure she hasn't seen him until she touches his shoulder. She's grinning at him, a grin that she'd worn all day long, a grin like he'd never seen on her before. Merlin, it's gorgeous. But yet it makes him jealous because he knows it isn't him causing her to smile like that. It's that girl, who is undoubtedly telling her all about how her boyfriend back home is pining away after her.

"Why don't you come out and join us instead of hiding in the shadows like some sort of a pervert?" Kelsey asks and lightly punches him on the shoulder. He jumps as he didn't see her approach him. "We're having cocoa."

"I thought I'd head to bed," he says stiffly. Kelsey's grin melts into a slight frown.

"It's just for a night, Severus. I'm not forgetting about you," she tells him. She grabs his hand and squeezes it, but he pulls it back from her.

"I'm tired," he states with an air of finality. "Good night."

He knows she's expecting another kiss from him as she doesn't leave. He wants to so bad but he can't bring himself to do it. Jealousy is what he's feeling. That girl is trying to convince her to go home, back to her boyfriend, back to the life she had with out him. It's selfish of him, he knows this, but it doesn't stop him from feeling it. As long as she'd been at Hogwarts, he's never really had to share her with any one else, until now. She was his and his alone, until now. He feels slightly betrayed.

"Severus, don't be that way," she begs. Her bottom lip is pouting and it's taking all of Severus' will power not to bend down and kiss it roughly like he wants to. It's easier to just turn, he tells himself, than it is to kiss her again. Hope is one thing he doesn't want to give her anymore. Hope could only be crushed. So he turns and enters the dorm, not looking forward to having to spend the night alone for the first time in a long time.

Severus is met with the sight of Avery and the Mayhew sisters lounging around on the floor of the dorm, playing some sort of a card game. They all turn to look at him but he notices the youngest of them starting to back away, towards the door. At the party, she had talked his ear off and wouldn't shut up, which made him ditch her but now, she was looking up at him with her mouth clamped shut. The look makes her more appealing now than ever. He's half tempted to pull her into bed with him but sees the look that he's getting from Laura and dismisses the thought.

"Stay, Courtney," Laura commands. Her tone is not unkind or bossy but rather motherly. The smaller girl sits back down in her spot but begins to fidget. Severus almost feels bad for her, guilt he was feeling all night last night for Kelsey. Kelsey isn't alone. Kelsey doesn't need him right then which he hates.

"Alright, Snape?" Avery grunts with a blank look on his face. Severus shrugs and heaves himself into bed, wishing for the millionth time that Kelsey was with him. Perhaps sleep will wash over him soon and his mind would be a blank slate…but no, the other two are talking loudly. Severus is annoyed but decides to say nothing.

"So," he can hear Avery saying. "What are you planning to do after you leave school?" Everyone knows what Avery was planning on doing. In fact, a lot of the seventh years are going to follow the same path. Severus got tired of hearing them talk about it, as that's what drove Lily away, which is why he allowed himself to get so close to Kelsey. He doesn't know whether or not to join, but every day he feels the pressure. Every time he reads the newspaper and he reads about another death, it's being shoved right under his abnormally large nose.

"Getting married on my eighteenth birthday," Laura says. Severus can hear some one shuffling a deck of cards. "Mother and Father have taken it upon themselves to make sure that we keep our bloodline pure." Severus notices a slight note of bitterness in her crisp voice. "I don't even know the man. I met him once when I was eleven and he was old even then."

"We have to do what we have to do," Avery says. "We must keep our forces strong."

Such a soldier, Severus thinks as he places his hands behind his head. Of course, the sort of arranged marriage that Laura is speaking of is a bit out dated but it isn't uncommon as it should be.

"That's all fine and well but what about our happiness?"

"Your happiness should be focused on the greater good, by keeping the filth out of our world. Many of our kind are forced into breeding with the scum of the earth."

"Sure, you say that, but put your self in my shoes, Avery. What if you were forced into a marriage you know you won't be happy in? I'm all for keeping our kind pure, but I don't think we should be reduced to forcing our children into loveless marriages," Laura exclaims. So, Severus thinks, she does have some brains. "Why do you think I tried to set Courtney up with Snape?"

"You know he's dating the American right?"

"That's a load of waffle. He told me himself that there's nothing going on there. I don't care what she told Courtney."

"He's obviously defending her honor. They sleep in the same bed, every night."

Severus' heart nearly stops. They were careful, weren't they? He'd thought they were. How does Avery know? How many people as Avery told? Damn, damn a thousand times damn!

"I thought she slept out in the common room," Laura says, a bit offhandedly. "We locked her out of the dorm you know. We couldn't have some American Mudblood bitch soiling our room." Laura is back to her usual bitchy self and Severus rolls his eyes.

"She's a Mudblood?"

"Yes, didn't you know? I over heard one of the Professors talking about her. Apparently, her worthless muggle father was murdered, thank god, and her mother went mad and her aunt took her in."

Severus bolts straight up and waits for Avery's reaction. It's not like they're trying to keep a secret, but its best that no one knows, but now, thanks to Laura's big mouth, Kelsey's heritage was out in the open.

"Wait until Mulciber hears," Avery says, malicious delight oozing his voice. Severus, with out thinking, jumps from the bed, his eyes wild with fear. His mind immediately jumps to all those months ago…There's a girl huddled in a corner crying with Mulciber standing above her, cackling in delight as he stabs her with his wand, causing the girl to jump. He's calling her all sorts of foul names and isn't really hurting her too badly, but causing her great discomfort and shame. Severus laughs uncertainly as Mulciber stabs her again, this time burning holes in her uniform robes. Her name is Mary McDonald and she's muggleborn. Severus knows it's wrong, he knows she's Lily's friend, and he knows there's no way to get out of this. Thankfully when they got caught, Mulciber took all the blame, proudly proclaiming that is was very well worth the two months worth of detention. Severus pictures Kelsey huddled in much same manner, tears pouring down her cheeks as a much more powerful Mulciber curses her over and over again.

"No," Severus says aloud, staring directly at a surprised looking Avery. "You won't tell him."

Laura is standing now, her arms folded over her chest, smirking at him as she leans against a bed post. She's tapping her foot and shaking her head.

"And you won't tell any one else, either. Do you hear me?" He directs his question to everyone standing in the room. He is grateful, despite his prior feelings, that Kelsey isn't here with him, listening to the way they're talking. He's almost ashamed to call himself one of them. That's the problem, though. He is one of them. He doesn't know how to be anything else. Lily didn't understand that, and he wonders faintly if Kelsey isn't really Lily and that he's been given a second chance.

"So it's true then?" Laura says. "You do like her."

Severus shakes his head, though he's not sure why. He doesn't want to deny his feelings for Kelsey but he doesn't want to admit to them either.

"Just leave her alone," he states.

"It's touching, really, Severus. There aren't many males out there who are man enough to protect the females." At first he thinks she's mocking him but he can see by her soft smile that she's speaking the truth, although there's something about the way she's looking at him that makes him feel uncomfortable. "It makes me wonder…though…how far your devotion runs…"

"He has no devotion towards her, Laura," Avery says, irritated. "She's filth. Snape's not like that. He's only using her."

"Oh wake up, Avery!" Laura snaps at him. She turns back to Severus and saunters towards him. Severus freezes in place as she studies him up close, his heart beating wildly. In a low voice she tells him, "I won't tell any one. But you have to swear that you'll stay away from her." She turns back to Avery and says, "You won't tell any one, Avery. This is our secret."

"Are you blackmailing me?" Severus manages to say.

"No, I'm negotiating. You keep seeing my sister and stay away from the American and I won't tell any one about her. You make my little sister the happiest girl in the world and this secret stays in this room."

Severus stares down at Laura for a few seconds, wondering how some one so small could be so intimidating. He doesn't want to give in, but yet he doesn't have a choice. Laura's eyes are challenging him to say no, but he can't. There is no way he and Kelsey could be together any way. It was a small sacrifice to keep her safe, even if he can't tell her. He knows that by doing this he'll break her heart and the thought almost shatters him to pieces but his happiness was a small price. In the long run, she'd be happier with out him.

"Alright," he whispers. He knows what he's doing is for the best but his brain is screaming at him, telling him he's wrong for doing this to Kelsey. He can't bear the thought of her moving back home and being with the guy that is probably the world's biggest prat.

"Good," Laura says and pats him on the shoulder. "Courtney will be staying with you tonight then." Severus rolls his eyes and nods, wondering what on earth he's getting himself into.

_**---**_

Tasha is wonderful company but I know she can't stay for ever. In all honesty, I'm relieved she's going home because she makes me homesick. With her around, I hardly see Severus. It's almost as if he's avoiding me completely, but I shrug it off. I kill time by giving Tasha the grand tour of Hogwarts and all of its glory. I know she's in love with Hogwarts and as I show her around her eyes glitter with excitement and sadness. The night before she's due to leave, we camp out in the common room once more, talking and crying about her pending departure.

"I wish I could stay," she says mournfully. "I miss you and its awesome here."

"I know," I say softly and examine my toe nails. Tasha reaches over and places an arm around my shoulder.

"Are you ever going to come home?"

The question hits me as though some one has just lugged a large back of bricks into my chest. Going back seems so pointless. I'm happy here. I feel safe here. But I know that I miss New York and that Tasha is probably lonely with out me there to while away the days. I feel selfish and sort of sick because I don't want to tell her the truth and I don't want to give her false hope. So I shrug my shoulders.

"I'm happy here," I state.

"Are you really? Look, Kelso, I know it's rough, having your dad die and all, but he's dead and there's no going back. You have to move on."

"It doesn't happen in one night," I snap back at her. Tasha brushes my tone off and hugs me closer. I want her to stop touching me. I want her to be gone.

"I know that, but you aren't even trying. This place," she waves her free hand about. "This is only a temporary solution. It's not helping you move on with your life. It's only enabling to sink deeper into this fantasy world you've created for yourself." I push her arm off of me and scoot away. I turn to the fire and scowl, hoping she'd stop talking. I know it's immature but I don't want to hear her. I don't want to hear her spew the ugly truth from her mouth. "You're going to have to go back some time and face it."

For a while, neither of us speaks. I know I'm being childish and I know she's right. The only reason I am happy here is because of Severus and no matter how much I try to lie to myself and tell me that I do like it, I don't. The thing is I don't like the way she's ambushing me. She's never said anything before and had coddled me. It confuses me because I hate that every one coddles me but I don't like hearing the truth either. My father is dead. I saw him die. I know I can't spend the rest of my life wondering if the same man who killed my father is going to try and kill me too. I know it's stupid but I can't trust any one any more. I can't even trust Tasha who has been there for me no matter what.

"They caught him," Tasha says quietly. "He confessed to everything and is in jail."

I lie down in the pallet and roll over so I wouldn't have to look at her. I don't care. I won't listen any more. Tasha seems to notice that I don't want to hear any more so she does the same and goes to sleep. I wake the next morning to find that she's already left. I'm not sad that she's gone. I'm not sure why but some how I know that I will never see her again.

* * *

**Again, please take the time to review. Trying to redo the formatting on all the chapters because orginally I had a song lyric picked out for the beginnings for each chapter but was too lazy or too drunk (I.e when I posted the last chapter) to go ahead and do that. **

**Tasha is based upon my best friend, whom I found yesterday is pregnant. Seems like only yesterday I was begging my mother to let her spend the night so we could stay up and play Barbies all night as long as we wanted. Ahh, the memories. She truly is a sister to me and I'd do anything for her.  
**

**Enjoy.  
**


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